The room was small. A steady stream of white noise filled the air. Stacks of games and books packed shelves on the left—a high-back leather chair with a desk on the right. Davin and I sat at opposite ends of the couch facing the desk. The middle cushion empty between us. Davin had been there many times before. But today was my first. We’d talked with Shay, Davin’s counselor, for twenty minutes when he suddenly sat up straight in his chair. He shifted his gaze and leaned onto his desk. With his shoulders pressing towards me, he asked, “Is academic excellence the only path to success in life?”
I sensed the weight of his gaze and the tone of his words, but my answer was simple.
“Yes.”
Shay’s shoulders fell as he audibly sighed at my reply. He leaned back in his chair, allowing his head to rest with the support. He glanced up at the ceiling as if receiving guidance from above. He was calm. V e r y, v e r y c a l m.
I, on the other hand, was not. I could not understand what was going on. Our entire conversation about grades, school, and homework seemed pointless. I’d grown frustrated and didn’t have any patience for the supposed epiphany he was having. I just didn’t get it. I finally turned to see Davin’s reaction. He sensed the conflict but wasn’t about to take a side. I looked back to Shay. His gaze again caught mine. He definitely knew something I didn’t.
Shay spoke for the remainder of that session; to this day, I do not remember anything else he said. I’m sure it was necessary and true. But it didn’t matter. What mattered was the question. The question Shay asked shook my insides. It shook me that day and for months to come.
From a young age, I loved school. I loved everything about it – learning, homework, studying, tests, grades. And because I loved it, I excelled at it. So much so that I achieved my lofty dream of being my university’s valedictorian.
So, why? Why am I telling you all this? I’m telling you this because I believed that excellence in school was THE path to life success. And because of that belief, I taught it to my children. But teaching that to them wasn’t the problem. The problem was I didn’t just teach it to them; I unknowingly expected it of them. And it wasn’t just one belief; it went far deeper – for every belief I knew I had, there were exponentially more that I didn’t know I had. All of these beliefs affected my kids. They were being bombarded by a myriad of complex, and often competing, messages and vibes. Messages and vibes that I had no idea I had AND no idea I was sending.
And that’s why Shay’s question would eventually be a huge wake-up call for me.
When I confidently answered that day, I, unbeknownst to myself, laid out why Davin felt SO much pressure to excel in school and shame when he wasn’t. If academic excellence was the only path to success in life, what happens when you aren’t or don’t succeed academically? Yep, you got it, you fail. And that was the dire, unknown message I was sending. And I wasn’t sending it lightly. It was oozing out of me and sticking to everything I said and did.
Now, all of this is VERY important; our known and unknown beliefs have an impact. But the point I want to make today, and what matters EVEN MORE, is that the messages I sent were ALL ABOUT ME. When I talked to Davin about school, I always projected MY desires onto him. There was a residue of me and my desires on everything I said and did.
It sounded like this: “I want you to do well in school.”
“I want you to reach your potential.”
“I need you to get your homework done.”
“I want you to get good grades.”
“I need you to do well.”
These statements are full of “It’s all about me and what I want” vibes. And my son knew it.
I wanted him to do well because it would mean something about me. To me. And for me.
I’d be a “good mom” with smart kids who excel, succeed, and make it in life.
There is NOTHING more repulsive to a teenager than a parent’s personal desire masked as a desire to benefit their teen.
Your teen reads through it. They see the truth. And they hate it. Just like Davin did, they know your desires are what matters to you. Because if they didn’t, you would speak differently. 😉
I could go on for days, but I will leave it at this.
The first step in connecting with your teen is to move yourself out of the spotlight. Remove your desires. It’s not about you. It’s about them. Shedding your indulgent desires will allow you to get out of your teen’s way so their desires and wants can rise to the surface — instead of being stifled by yours.
Do you have this indulgence? Notice how often and in what context you use the phrases “I want” and “I need.” This is often the tell-tale sign. These phrases have NO place in raising a teenager well. Eliminate them. And if you can’t, I will help. Simply reply to this email.
