Did you build a fairytale when you first found out you were pregnant? You imagined a happily ever after parenting dream. Full of expectations. It’s time to break up with that fairytale. Those expectations.
Immediately your mind envisioned the amazing life your child would have in exquisite and beautiful full-color detail.
From the miraculous birth to those shaky first steps,
From diapers and pull-ups to big kid undies,
From hot lunch at school to puberty and pimples,
From their first date to moving out,
From college to parenthood.
As parents, we envision a life for our children that is beautiful, fulfilling and altogether wonderful.
We carry this fairy tale with us over the years, making tiny adjustments as life unfolds.
Then something big and unexpected happens. Something that wasn’t in our plan. That we COULD NOT have, and definitely would NOT have, wanted to plan for.
As we compare the story that is now unfolding with the story we thought would unfold, we begin to believe something has gone terribly wrong.
Instead of health, there is an illness.
Instead of laughter on the playground, there is sand thrown in the eyes.
Instead of completed chores, there is an unmade bed and clothes on the floor.
Instead of straight A’s, there are D’s on the report card.
Instead of weekends spent with friends, there are endless nights spent alone.
Instead of a prom date, there are tears on the pillow.
Instead of an Ivy League education, there is living at home.
Instead of a fancy job with a high-paying salary, there is unemployment.
Instead of happily ever after, there is divorce.
You see, my friends, we have the greatest hopes for our children from the moment we learn they exist. We celebrate, fantasize, and imagine with the greatest of possibilities ALL the things that WILL happen in our children’s lives. It seems productive, helpful almost. As if we’re foretelling what will be. Believing that the simple practice of thinking about it will confirm its existence in their future.
And yet, by doing this we are tricking ourselves by presuming to know how our children’s lives should be.
Today I want you to break up with your teen’s fairy tale story.
When we create a fairy tale story of what our child’s life will be like in our minds, our brain believes the story we’ve created and makes it the truth. We become deeply attached to the story: including the major plot points and the fairy tale ending. Then, in direct disagreement with the fairy tale story, real-life happens, our teen chooses a different path, and what we thought would be, does NOT match what actually is.
Our brains become keenly aware of this discrepancy causing our thoughts to easily race off to places of, “This wasn’t supposed to happen”, “How can this be?”, and “How can I fix this?”
All of this thinking is wherein the problem lies. There is ONLY a problem to fix because we believed in the beginning that we KNEW with certainty how our child’s story was SUPPOSED to be.
But we didn’t know how their lives were supposed to be, we just thought we did.
The truth is…we never had any idea how our children’s lives were going to go. We assumed we did, but we didn’t. It was all a lie we told ourselves.
If you continue to argue with what is, you will always lose.
So, here’s what you do:
You choose to let your teen write their own story.
Whatever story you created about your child’s life, LET IT GO.
Whatever story you think must come true for them to be happy, LET IT GO.
Whatever you believe they’re supposed to do in their life, LET IT GO.
Whatever future truth you feel you’re hanging on to, you’re not. You’re simply hanging on to a story, a fairy tale story, that doesn’t and never did exist.
The only place the story existed was in your mind.
Choosing to hang on to it will create nothing but disappointment, frustration, sadness, and disconnection as reality fails to meet up with what you’ve expected to happen.
It’s inevitable, my friends. The two will never match.
So, herein lies the choice you must make:
Do you continue to try to mold your teen’s life into what you think it should be?
OR
Do you break up with your fairy tale story and allow your teen to write their own story?
Consider well. One leads to separation and the other leads to connection.
The choice is yours.
