Remember when you found out you were pregnant?
You immediately envisioned the extraordinary life your child would have in exquisite detail.
From the miraculous birth to those shaky first steps,
From diapers to school lunch,
From puberty to driving,
From prom to moving out,
From college to career,
From marriage to parenthood.
You pictured a life for your child that was beautiful, fulfilling, and altogether wonderful. You carried this fairy tale with you over the years. Hoping for it. Focusing on it. Thinking about it so much you began to believe you knew how your child’s life should be AND how it should go. Almost as if your thoughts had the power to control and ensure every major plot point you’d thought up would transfer into real life.
But then something unexpected occurred. Something that wasn’t in your plan. Something you could not have, and definitely would NOT have, wanted to plan for. Making you believe something had gone wrong – as the truth before you disagrees with what you thought would be.
Instead of health, there’s illness.
Instead of completed chores, there’s an unmade bed, and clothes are on the floor.
Instead of straight A’s, there are D’s on the report card.
Instead of weekends spent with friends, there are nights spent alone.
Instead of an Ivy League education, there is living at home.
Instead of a fancy job with a high-paying salary, there is unemployment.
Instead of happily ever after, there is divorce.
Keenly aware of the discrepancy now before you, your mind raced off with thoughts like, ‘This isn’t right, ‘How can this be?’, and ‘I need to fix this.’
But here’s the thing. There’s only a discrepancy because what you thought would be doesn’t match reality. And that’s because all those years ago you created a story – a fairy tale story – of what your child’s life would be. And because you believed the story, your brain made it ‘real’ – causing you to become deeply attached to the major plot points and the happily ever after ending. Going even so far as to have you cling to it. As if you could make it be. As if you could make it real. As if you could control how your teen’s life would unfold.
But you can’t. You just thought you could.
And that’s why I’m asking you to break up with your teen’s fairy tale story today.
You don’t actually know your teen’s story or what their life is supposed to be. You just think you do.
The truth is…you never had any idea what your child’s life would be like. You only assumed you did. It was something you thought up and chose to believe. A glorified life story you hoped to bestow upon them. But by thinking this way, you created a problem to fix. A problem of what do when your child’s life doesn’t match your fairy tale story. And in the mind of a loving, doting mother – that’s a BIG problem.
Unless – there isn’t a problem at all. What if there’s nothing to fix? Cause nothing’s actually gone wrong?
(FYI: your teenager does not want to be fixed, and once they notice you’re trying to fix them, they will push back and push back hard. 😉)
Remember, your fairy tale story is just that – a tale. A story. Something you thought up that isn’t real. Something you created. Something you hoped would influence reality yet very rarely resembles it. And if you learn anything today, let it be that you should never argue with reality. Because when you argue with reality, you always lose.
So, here’s what you do instead:
You let your teen write their own fairy tale story.
Whatever story you created about your child’s life, LET IT GO.
Whatever you think they’re supposed to do, LET IT GO.
Whatever you think must happen to make them happy, LET IT GO.
Whatever you think must happen to make you happy, LET IT GO.
Whatever future truth you’re hanging onto that you feel is ‘meant to be’ for your teen, acknowledge it’s part of a fairy tale story that isn’t grounded in the reality of life.
The only place the story EVER existed was in your mind. That’s why it’s true for you and not for your teen. Clinging to it will create disappointment, frustration, sadness, and disconnection. Reality will continue to disregard your plans, no matter how well-meaning they may be. It’s inevitable, my friend. The two will never be the same.
And yet, the decision is up to you. You can continue to try to mold your teen’s life into what you think it should be because you’re the expert and you know best – or – You can break up with your fairy tale story and allow your teen to write their own. One leads to separation, and one leads to connection. I’d advise you to choose wisely.
(Here’s a tiny hint: No one wants to live someone else’s story. No one. Not even you.)
