| I walked downstairs at my parents’ cabin to find my four teens lounging on the couch together. “Let’s get ready to go to the beach!” I excitedly exclaimed. “Ugh, Mom,” they grumbled back. “We’re on vacation. Why can’t we just lay here and relax?” “Alright, you can stay here, but I’m putting on my swimsuit and packing up for the beach. If you’d like to go, please be ready and in the van in 30 minutes. I’m going to have a fun day!” My friend, it’s likely your teenager is very much like mine — saying no to any AND everything. Requests, instructions, opportunities, and even invitations for a trip to the mall or a day at the beach. This used to trigger me. My ‘They’re so lazy and rude’ thinking easily spiraled me into frustration. And from there it only took seconds for frustration to quickly transform me into a fit of raging anger. Before I knew it, my teen and I were in an all-out battle to be the victor. Someone would win and someone would lose. And honestly, I was always the loser. Until I learned something that changed it all. My teenager was always going to say no. Yes, my friend, your teen is going to say no more than they will say yes. And it’s NOT because they’re lazy, rude, or entitled. And it’s definitely NOT because they’re defiant. It’s just how they’re wired. It’s how their brains are programmed to function. Their primitive brain, the most capable and accessible part of the teenage brain, is what’s running the show. And it’s telling them to say no because it’s so much easier and uses way less energy. They’re simply listening to their brain and doing what it tells them. They don’t know any better. And neither did you, until now. So, if you have the expectation that your teenager should say yes to your requests, instructions, and invitations — realize it was never meant to be. Not because of who you are or who your teen is. But because of the science of the teenage brain. Teens say no and they will continue saying no. It’s their default response. But, this is NOT the problem. The only problem is your expectation that they shouldn’t say no. You suggesting they should do something different than what they’re doing does NOT make it change. Ever. It only makes you and your teenager frustrated and angry. This is NOT the outcome you’re hoping for. Instead, change your expectation to match what is. To match the science. To match what you and I already know is true. Your teenager is going to say no. And that’s ok. Nothing has gone wrong here. They’re not busted. Or broken. Or in need of “being taught a lesson”. And you’re not letting them slack off. Or allowing them to get away with anything. Nope, none of this is true. Your teenager is simply functioning according to the playbook of their brain. Imagine if you decided to work with your teenager’s playbook instead of against it? What would change? Everything. Yes, everything would change. Just like it did for me. Here’s what you do. You begin by changing your expectation to ‘My teenager is going to say no.’ Notice how this avoids frustration, eliminates anger, and removes the need for a battle. There’s no longer a winner or a loser. There’s just you and your teen. Next, you make your requests, instructions, and invitations from a place of calm and control. Knowing ahead of time the response you’ll likely receive is a big fat ‘No!’ Luckily, it won’t phase you now cause you were expecting it. Then, you give them a choice. You state with confidence and clarity what you’re going to do and what they need to do. From there, you offer your teen time and space to reflect on what you’ve said. Their brain needs an opportunity to shift from primitive brain to higher brain thinking. They’ll do this naturally with no coaxing from you. Allow them to figure this part out. It may take repeated attempts to get the result you’re longing for –especially if they’re accustomed to you doing their thinking and choosing for them 😉 — but it will work. Last, you follow through on what you said you were going to do. No matter what. Even if that means they lose a privilege or you go to the beach alone. You do it. The thing is – that’ll rarely happen because they truly want to support your requests, instructions, and invitations. Their primitive brain often derails them from this outcome, but they do want it. I promise. Please, please trust me on this one. |
