Five years ago I had expectations for my teen.
I believed it would help him reach his potential.
I enforced them like a boss. Strict to a T.
It seemed like the “good mom” thing to do.
To hold my teen to high standards.
To expect a lot. To ask a lot.
And when those expectations weren’t met, he knew it.
He was in trouble.
Lectures ensued. Privileges lost. Often without warning.
My teen pushed back.
There were eye rolls, yelling, and slammed doors.
I freaked out. I lost my cool. I argued.
He needed to learn his place.
My mind said, ‘You’ve held the reins too loose.’
So, I pulled the reins tighter.
I watched my teen like a hawk.
Expectations raised. Pressure amplified.
Again, I took control as a “good mom” does.
Hoping to get the outcomes I wanted.
My teen pushed back, but now even harder.
Rebelling was in full force. Retaliation escalated.
He upped his game to wifi hacking and running away.
He spent oodles of time alone in his room. And I in mine.
Conversations were short. Interactions were few.
Connection absent. Misery our constant friend.
My mind said, “You’ve held the reins too tight.’
So, out of desperation, I let the reins go. Completely.
There were no expectations.
He did what he wanted.
No strict rules. No lectures.
No privileges lost or warnings given.
Freedom and choice were now his.
Video games whenever and however long he wanted.
Homework uncompleted. Laundry unwashed.
We avoided each other. Ignoring the other existed.
Pretending things were ok. But they weren’t.
Everything began to unravel.
Our lives were falling apart.
He wasn’t happy and neither was I.
Our relationship stood on the brink.
I began to reflect.
Nothing I had tried worked. For him or for me.
Our home was void of order and connection.
Two of the things I valued most.
And two of the things our family desperately needed.
And then it hit me.
Going to extremes was not effective.
Being strict OR flexible was not a strategy.
It was a terribly unthoughtful way to solve a problem.
In fact, it was a symptom of a lack of skill.
So, I met myself in the middle.
Instead of being a this OR that parent, I would learn to be a this AND that parent.
I would learn to be firm AND friendly.
I would learn to be consistent AND flexible.
I would learn to be loving AND mean business.
I would learn to be an authority AND be compassionate.
I would strive to create a home thriving with structure AND nurture.
And I did. By learning and developing the skill of balance.
Now my home is full of connection AND order.
We spend time together and chores are done.
We play family games and homework is completed.
It’s a dream life I never thought I’d have. But I do.
You too can have a home thriving with order and connection.
You too can live your dream life with teenagers living under your roof.
If you’re ready to make 2021 the year you stop arguing and start connecting with your teen, it’s time to join CONNECTeen so I can teach you how.
