Suicide is heavy for your teen and for you.
I shed visible tears this week on a coaching call for the first time ever.
As a coach, my number one job is to be present for my clients. To hold the space. To be objective. This means I don’t bring any of my personal opinions, judgments, or emotions to coaching calls so I can truly witness what’s going on for my clients through a neutral, compassionate, and curious lens. I leave at the door my perception of life so I can intently embrace and visualize their perception. This is what helps my clients get the results they’re longing for. And, honestly, I’m really good at it.
But, over the last few weeks, my heart has been heavy. I’ve been asked to repeatedly face a topic that is difficult to address and even more difficult to discuss with a teen who’s currently questioning it or attempted it and/or the mother of that teen.
Yes, I’m referring to suicide.
It was this topic on a coaching call with a teenager that eventually brought me to tears, no matter how much I desired to hold it back. Staring into a teen’s eyes on a computer screen while they’re expressing feelings of deep sadness, unworthiness and hopelessness pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I longed to jump through the computer and hug them. To embrace them. To wrap my arms around them while they cried. While they shed tears and felt empty sitting in their bedroom alone. I longed to remind them over and over that they ARE valuable. They ARE lovable. They DO matter. I longed to have them believe me. I longed to close the physical distance between us. To somehow offer a portion of my love for them to them. Yes, I longed to say, feel, and do so much. And I did.
As I’ve reflected on this experience, I’ve acquired a deep understanding of exactly why I reacted how I did and it’s given me tremendous insight. I’m going to share my discoveries with you here as I feel profoundly impressed that you, my friend, might need it too.
Years ago I was in the throws of parenting my first teenager. He was deep in the struggles of discovering his identity and, little did I know at the time, I was deep in discovering mine. He was trying to find his place amongst peers, succeed in school, rise to the top of his sport, and meet my high standards and expectations. All while managing the ups and downs of hormonal changes and surviving the turbulent last year of middle school.
I knew something was going on with my teenager. I’d recognized the gradual distancing, the increased time spent alone in his room, and the infatuation with his newly acquired phone. All typical teen behaviors and yet something felt off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it seemed like there were internal challenges I knew nothing about. Pretty soon it became clear what those challenges were. Over the next year+ we’d face pornography, sexting, repeated running away, failing grades, calls to the police, sadness, wifi hacking, lying, depression, secretive phone purchases, and many late, late nights. All of this eventually led to repeated and frequent threats of suicide.
My inability to understand and cope with these behaviors, coupled with my desire to raise perfect, well-behaved, well-liked, intelligent, respectful, chore-completing, talented, kind, and rule-obeying children, created THE perfect storm. I freaked out. I lost my cool. I yelled. I belittled. I argued. I lectured. I questioned my teen’s motives. I often interrogated my teen till I felt certain the ramifications of his behavior were understood. I made it clearly known how deeply disappointed I was. I made sure going forward the ‘should do’s’ and ‘should not do’s’ were crystal clear. Throughout all of this, my teen offered few words. He spoke very little, I spoke a whole lot. I listened very little, he listened a whole lot. Because of this, he GOT my message, loud and clear. ‘You’re doing it wrong. You need to change. You’re not good enough. You’re never going to make it. You’re a liar. You’re unlovable like this. Your grades matter more than you do. You’re a failure. I’m not ok with who you are. I’ll love you when you do what I want. I’ll love you when you do what I think you should.’ Unfortunately, because I talked more than I listened, I did NOT get his message. ‘I’m lost. I’m lonely, afraid, uncertain, and scared. I need help. I need your love. I need your affection, your support, your embrace, your kindness, your empathy, your understanding. I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I can’t do this on my own. I need you. I need you to love me. I want you to love me just as I am.’
My friend, what I’m sharing with you IS the biggest reason you’re reading my words today. I’m a life coach for moms and teens because these experiences led me to the depths of despair, to the depths of miserable, to the depths of hopelessness, and from there came the greatest transformation of my entire life. From there evolved my profound and passionate desire to figure this out. To figure out my teen. To figure out myself. To become the mom I knew I could be but had no idea how to be. And you know what? I did exactly what I set out to do, I figured it out. I’m where I always wanted to be. Showing up day in and day out as the woman and mother I envisioned and dreamed of all those years ago. I’m not perfect, I no longer desire to be and I recognize I never will be. Neither will my children. And that’s ok. What matters is my teens hug me as if they’ve desperately missed me when they walk in the door from school. What matters is they know I’m always going to love them no matter what. What matters is they talk with me, share with me, and open up with me. What matters is they’re thriving in their life and I’m thriving in mine. We’re thriving as a family – because we’re no longer focused on perfection, success, achievement, outward appearance, or popularity. Instead, we’re fueled by curiosity, compassion, understanding, and love.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve seen a significant increase in teens expressing suicidal thoughts, tendencies, and/or attempts. Week after week I’ve shown up to coach, offer resources, and help my clients and previous clients who’re struggling with deep sadness, talking of suicide, or living with someone who is. These experiences had built-up inside me until they eventually spilled over my emotional threshold as I shared at the beginning of this email. Why? Because IN that moment with that teen, I saw my son. I saw my son’s eyes in that teen’s eyes. I saw his longing to be understood. His longing to be loved. His desperate pleas for validation of his worth, his value, and his lovability from ME, his mother. I was taken back to the moments when it was my son asking me for this and I didn’t, couldn’t even, recognize it, see it, or hear it. Is all I saw were the shortcomings, the failures, the misconduct, and the lack. And then as my teen client continued to open up…everything became still and slow and poignant…as I began to hear MYSELF in the words the teen said their mother spoke to them. I was face to face with my past. Chills ran up my spine and down my arms. I was immediately transported to what used to be. And suddenly, it was my son sitting in front of me. He was lost and I was lost. I could see it ALL so clearly now. And it pierced me to my soul. Tears flooded my eyes and I cried.
I’ve grown a lot over the last few weeks and the last few years. I’ve supported three of my children as they’ve traversed the challenging middle school years and stepped into the high school years. I’ve witnessed them experience sadness, loneliness, isolation, insecurity, emptiness, and, yes, suicidal ideations. It’s likely you have, or are, or will go through something similar. My goal in sharing my experiences is to offer you hope and encouragement during a time and season that can grow very dark and feel extremely overwhelming. But it doesn’t need to be that way. The teen years can shape and mold you in beautiful ways if you’ll allow them to.
My friend, this email is growing long and I do not desire to keep you. But I do desire to share so I can help. This email will be the first of several I will be sending over the next few weeks addressing the topic of suicide. We’ll cover the following:
- what to watch for in your teen and what to do to help them
- what you can do as a mother to create a household that’s a healthy balance of both nurture and structure
- how to show interest in your teen without invading their privacy
- when to let go and when to hang on so your teen feels loved but not smothered
- how to find a mentor for your teen (hint…every human needs a life coach, including you)
- the importance of mental health and the stigma surrounding it
I know raising a teen can feel daunting, but tonight I want you to promise me you’re going to take the time to look into your teen’s eyes, catch them gazing back at you, and say with sincerity, “I love you, _______. I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re here and I’m so grateful to be your mom. If you need anything, please know I’m always here for you.” They need to hear these words from you, their beloved mother.💕
