Seeing the images on my teen’s phone was shocking. I, a grown adult and mother of four, had never been exposed to things like that. I immediately freaked out. My mind went on a tirade. ’I cannot believe this. It shouldn’t be happening. We’re never going to be the same’. It continued to spiral downward into negativity until I relinquished all control with tears streaming down my face and my head falling into my hands. I sobbed and sobbed until I convulsed…the emotion inside of me more than my body could handle. My brain continued, ‘Of course, this would happen when you’re alone with the kids and Craig is out of town. You can’t handle this. You don’t know what to do.’
It’s true. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I just knew I was falling apart, then and there, so I called my beloved mother-in-law, Joy. She answered and immediately knew something was wrong. I shared the details of what I’d seen, how terrible my teen was for doing this, and what a terrible mom I must be for allowing this to happen in my home. She tried with all her Licensed Counselor skills to calm my worries and fears, but it didn’t work. I didn’t feel better. My judgments felt so true that the misery seemed necessary. There was a heavy pit in my stomach, impenetrable and unmovable, growing, taking me over. Nothing could shake me from the sadness that enveloped me. Well into the night, after hours on the phone, I finally went up to bed. I don’t remember much after that, but I’m sure I cried myself to sleep.
WHAT NOT TO DO
The next day I lit into my teen. I didn’t hold anything back. I shoved the phone in their face and stammered, “I know what you’ve been looking at. How could you? How could you look at crap like that? Do you know how wrong this is? I’ve taught you to say ‘No’ to this stuff. I can NOT believe you’re the type of kid that would do this.” I went on and on and on. I argued, I belittled, I pointed fingers, I freaked out. But most tragically, I shamed my teen. I left them no opportunity to speak, no opportunity to open up, no opportunity to share. I had, in that crucial and pivotal moment, effectively told my teen they were worthless, hopeless, and evil. Sadly, at the time, I didn’t even realize that’s what I’d done. I thought I was being a “good” mom. A good mom points out her teen’s flaws so they can fix them. So they can feel bad and decide to never do it again.
I wouldn’t recognize the consequences of my tirade until months and years later when the problems worsened and I had no choice but to face what was going on with my teen and, even more difficult and challenging, face myself. It wasn’t the pornography my teen viewed that wreaked never-ending havoc on our lives. It was MY reaction to my thoughts and feelings about my teen’s behavior that began our cycle of struggle.
At the time, I believed this one experience with my teen and porn would be my last, but alas, it was not meant to be. I would go on to face many years, off and on, of various levels of porn, sexting, and risqué social media conversations. We’d seem to nip it in the bud and things would go smoothly, only to eventually rebound in an even worse place. The intuition I felt that originally urged me to check the phone would urge me again and again over the years to check phones, computers, and tablets. Each time I did, deeper and deeper we went. At times I felt consumed by the gravity and heaviness of what I was dealing with. I struggled to think of much else. I was always “on alert” and filtering my teen’s behaviors through the lens of perceiving and sensing anything that might mean they were losing their way…yet again. My hyped attention to every detail led to arguments, stalking-like behavior, and an inability to focus on other matters. It hampered my capacity to see anything but that which I searched for. What we seek, we find. And I found.
As you can imagine, my creepy and awkward behavior created distrust, disconnection, and even more secrecy on my teen’s part. It didn’t foster an open, communicative, accepting, and loving environment. I had taught my teen that I could not accept this type of behavior and until it was eradicated, love and trust were limited, if not often withheld. It felt like this was the answer. Punishment for crimes committed would somehow inspire sorrow and change—but it didn’t. It only served to create heightened shame, despair, further curiosity, and powerful addiction.
We can’t go further without discussing the power of shame. Shame, a painful feeling of distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior, is a common emotion experienced when a teen views pornography. Shame is a feeling created by negative thinking about oneself. Because of this, shame is often experienced secretly and kept private and hidden. It tells us NOT that we’ve done something bad, but that we ARE bad. In response to this belief, we seclude ourselves, making our actions that much more secretive and concealed. Shaming our teens for their choices causes them to believe there is no safe haven from the judging gaze of others. Pornography viewing thrives in this dark and private environment. Shame will only be eliminated when brought into the light. This is why it’s imperative we don’t use shame as a way to deter our teen’s behaviors. It will not create the change we’re hoping for. It will only exacerbate them. Yes, I did this, and, Yes, I now know it was everything BUT helpful. Exactly why I’m urging you to learn from my mistakes so you don’t unnecessarily suffer the consequences I did.
Hopefully, the INEFFECTIVE way to talk to your teen about pornography is now clear thanks to my glaring example of what not to do. 😉
