You know those moments when your mother’s intuition tells you something must be going on ‘cause you just can’t shake the feeling. Of course, you do, you’re a mother. I was having one of these moments years ago when I decided to check my teen’s phone. Within seconds, I was shocked and heart-broken.
Pornography had officially entered my parenting world and I was NOT ready for it.
It’s likely, as a parent of a teen, you too will have a similar experience…if you haven’t already. This is exactly why I’m choosing to dive deep into the subject of pornography here today and next week. I want our beloved teens to have moms that are equipped with the knowledge and emotional wherewithal to handle this subject with way more tact, influence, and composure than I did all those years ago.
In addition, since Coronavirus hit, I’ve witnessed a noticeable uptick in teens requesting coaching on pornography and pornography addiction. More evidence of the need to discuss this topic here so you can feel empowered to address it in your homes.
Pornography is defined as printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.
For our discussion here, we’re not going to explore the various types or levels of pornography (ie. soft, hard). I believe it is up to parents to decide what they consider and label as pornographic in their home. The factors that play into these decisions are of a personal nature and do not affect our discussion here. I do believe it’s valuable to understand and respect that some teens come to coaching describing porn as a two-minute advertisement for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit video and some describe more graphic sexual acts and scenarios. The definitions will vary, but the knowledge we need to understand why they look at pornography and how to have conversations with our teens is the same. Today I’ll focus on one main reason our teens are drawn to porn…their brains are wired for it.
The majority of teens don’t actively go searching for porn. Porn tends to find them…on social media, on tv, on the internet. Most teens stumble upon an image or video that piques their curiosity. That curiosity leads them to click or scroll or search for more. This pleasure-seeking curiosity is very natural and normal for the brain, especially the teenage brain. Teens basically have a “jacked-up, stimulus-seeking brain [that is] not yet fully capable of making mature decisions”, says the author of The Teenage Brain, Frances E. Jensen, M.D. Teenage brains are programmed to be highly curious about pleasure and novelty. Pornography offers a teenager both of these.
Our human brains are made up of unique parts with very distinctive and important features. The two parts we’ll discuss today are the pre-frontal cortex and the primitive brain. The pre-frontal cortex is often called the higher brain or evolved brain because it’s what allows humans to think on purpose. It’s what makes us completely unique as humans. No other species on the planet have the thinking power of our pre-frontal cortex. This higher brain makes it possible for us to plan, set goals, learn new things, make deliberate choices, and take conscious control of our thinking. Without it, we wouldn’t be human. This rational part of the brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25 or so. Hence, good judgment isn’t something teens can excel in, at least not yet. 😉
On the other hand, the primitive brain, or lizard brain, is fully formed and functioning in our teen years. The sole and primary focus of the primitive brain is to keep us alive. It achieves this goal through what we call the Motivational Triad: Avoid pain, seek pleasure, and be efficient.
Are you beginning to see the underpinnings of the problem with pornography and teens? They’re burdened with a pre-frontal cortex that has limited ability to both consciously think and judge well AND a powerful primitive brain that’s programmed to constantly seek pleasure. Yep, I thought so. You see it too. A recipe for disaster…or, shall we say, a recipe for a powerful desire for pornography.
Let’s dive a little deeper.
Back in primitive times, the primitive brain’s programming to avoid pain resulted in humans running into caves to protect themselves from animals and other dangers. This built-in drive to avoid pain would’ve kept humans in caves indefinitely, avoiding bears and fires and other dangers. In order for humans to be motivated enough to leave the cave, there had to be an equally powerful built-in drive to want to get out. Enter our two basic biological needs: hunger and connection. These needs were powerful, but not strong enough to embolden humans to face the possible threat of death. Clearly, something needed to be paired with these needs to strengthen their ability to motivate humans to take risks. But what was powerful enough to counteract our fear of pain? Pleasure. Yes, the promise of pleasure would do it. Humans would bravely leave the safety of the cave to fulfill the needs of hunger and connection if pleasure was combined and added to them both. Hunger would be fulfilled with the pleasure response from food and connection would be fulfilled with the pleasure from sex and intimacy. Now the equation was complete.
Pleasure is the result of the release of a powerful chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is the “feel-good” hormone that signals to the brain that ‘Yes, this is safe and pleasurable – keep doing more of this.’ In primitive times, humans received a dose of dopamine as they ate berries or meat to satisfy their hunger. Similarly, humans experienced the pleasure of dopamine as they had sex with their partner and connected with other members of their tribe, creating intimate and close relationships. The dopamine/pleasure response served humans to reinforce behaviors that were imperative for their survival. It was a win-win.
Fast forward to today’s modern times and we’re no longer fighting for survival, though we still have the same primitive brain inside our head. Now we’re actually fighting to survive against our primitive brain’s programming. Our world is now wired with seductive false pleasures and overly exacerbated dopamine responses. We still have the needs of hunger and connection, but our current world entices us with pleasureful options that no longer satisfy those underlying needs. We eat doughnuts instead of berries, Rockstars instead of water. Food is no longer about satisfying hunger, now the focus of food is on the pleasure, not the need it once dutifully and easily fulfilled. We’ve become experts in concentrating food substances into forms that release more and more dopamine, for more and more pleasure. And as our bodies regulate the increased dopamine levels, we need more and more “food” to get the same dopamine high. Hence, the birth of addictions, NOT to food, but to dopamine. Yes, your brain wants the dopamine, not the food, and it will do anything to get it. It thinks ‘if a little dopamine is good, then a lot must be better – right?’ So every time we reward ourselves with dopamine, the desire is completely intensified.
On to the need for connection. Remember, in primitive times the need to connect with other humans meant close, intimate relationships and survival as part of a larger group. It also meant pro-creating and the pleasure that came with bonding through sex with a partner. In modern times, we’re now overrun with ways to “connect” with others. We text and connect virtually through devices and various social media platforms instead of having face-to-face conversations. We watch porn or sext virtual strangers instead of making love with a bonded, intimate partner. We’ve become experts in crafting games, videos, apps, and virtual experiences that urge our brains to release dopamine as we participate in these modern “connecting” activities. Again, filling us with instant pleasure, but failing to satisfy the underlying need for a deep, emotional connection with other humans. It’s important to note that a need left unsatisfied will create urge after urge after urge, until the biological need is fulfilled. Ignored urges only get bigger. Here again is the birth of addiction, NOT to porn, but to dopamine. Yes, the brain wants the dopamine and it will do anything to get it.
As you can see, our primitive brain hasn’t caught up with our modern world. What we now have like Tinder, Instagram, alcohol, energy drinks, and pornography have taken the things that used to give us a subtle dopamine reward and completely concentrated that pleasure.
For example, instead of your teen going on a date with one person at a time and getting a small dopamine release, now they can instantly jump online to chat with hundreds of people at once and get a huge dopamine release.
Our teenagers are teaching their brains to over-desire dopamine because pleasure is so freely available. This is what originally lures them into pornography or sexting. The release of dopamine they experience when they first receive or send an image or watch a video is small but memorable. That instantaneous “feel good” feeling they experience will not easily be forgotten as their primitive brain reminds them ‘We should do that again. That felt great.’ So, what do teens do when their brain tells them to do something again? They do it! And as you read above, image after image, video after video, experience after experience only serves to increase the dopamine they’re now longing for. This will continue until eventually, they feel as if they’re no longer in control. Teens often express feeling driven by a powerful, internal desire or urge to continue looking at pornography for the “feel good” feeling, even when their higher brain begins to step in and question their choices.
Novelty also makes pornography very alluring for a teenage brain. Novelty is defined as being new, original, or unusual. Creators of pornography know how to manipulate the reward circuitry of the human brain through the use of things that are shocking, different, or out of the ordinary. When teens first encounter pornography, it’s likely they’re seeing images, body parts, and physical actions they’ve never seen before. This “newness” spikes their curiosity and entices them to want to view more. Novelty is also used in pornography as a supernormal stimulant. This means situations are overly dramatized, body parts are abnormally large or overemphasized, and participants engage in behaviors not typical of average sexual relations. All of this adds up to heightened interest, curiosity, and motivation to seek out more. It’s a natural and normal part of the human brain to curiously seek novelty. When novelty is coupled with the powerful dopamine pleasure response, teens can quickly become motivated by and thereby addicted to the rewards pornography offers them.
Human brains are wired to be curious about pornography. Hopefully, I’ve helped you see that. This means if your teenager is looking at porn, they’re completely normal and their brain is functioning as it should. Please know I’m not saying it’s ok or not ok for them to look at porn. That is not for me to decide. As a mother, you get to decide what the values and guidelines in your household will be. My job is to help you understand the science of the brain so you know what motivates your teen to look at pornography.
In an effort not to overwhelm you, I’ll finish this topic in next week’s email. I’ll share valuable strategies for having a conversation with your teen about pornography so you can ensure they open up to you instead of shut you out.
Thanks for sticking with me to the end.
