I was at a Sunday church meeting when a male teenager, probably 17 years old, walked in ten minutes late and slid himself in the pew beside his sister. Instantly his mother, several family members away, reached her arm across the back of the bench and tapped his shoulder. He turned and was immediately met with her reproving eyes. His glance turned downward as he slumped into the bench.
My heart broke for this young man. He was deflated. He’d made it to church. Sitting with his family. And still, his mother didn’t have to say a single word. Her message was loud and clear. ‘You’re late. You’re in trouble. We’ll talk later.’ He’s living with a mother who means well, but she doesn’t understand the power of her nonverbal influence on her teenager.
I know because I used to be her. I used to give sideways glances to my teens ALL THE TIME. I wanted them to know in an instant that I disapproved of their behavior. That I noticed what they’d done and that a moment of reckoning was fast approaching. I did this as if I was an all-knowing and all-powerful authority that had the right to direct and judge their every move. Letting my teens know I was in charge felt useful, necessary, and even helpful.
And yet, my reproving eyes were nothing but repellant to my teenager. They didn’t learn NOT to be late to church. NOT to leave their dishes on the table. Or NOT to be mean to their siblings. They learned I was NOT on their side. That I didn’t understand them. And that my main focus was ensuring they were doing what I believed they should be doing. My nonverbal behavior said everything to my teens.
Your nonverbal behavior speaks volumes to your teenager too. From your head to your toes, your teenager is reading you. They’re looking for clues about your emotional state. They’re looking to discover what’s going on for you so they can determine if they can or cannot share. This is why your nonverbal cues matter. Before you’ve even had a chance to say a word, your teen has felt your vibe and decided whether you’re open or closed. Most of the time, you’re closed. It’s evidenced by your raised eyebrows, the tension in your eyes, how you bite your lower lip, and the way your hands are placed squarely on your hips.
Yes, my friend, your teenager can read you. They see your reproving eyes. They see your judgment. None of it creates connection. It creates separation. It creates distance. And it causes them to build a mighty wall to protect themselves – from you. And when their wall is up, you have no way in. You’re stuck on the outside looking in. Longing to be a part of their world and knowing that’s the last thing they want.
So, as you’re going about your life, pay attention to your nonverbal behavior. Notice your face, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, back, legs, and feet. The placement, the direction, and the intention are felt by everyone around you, especially your teen. If you want to be a mom your teen runs to, opens up to, and clings to, learning to harness the power of your nonverbal vibe is key. Once it’s harnessed and fine-tuned, you magnify it and its influence creates magnetizing connection.
I’ve done it and you can too. I returned home for one quick night before returning to our cabin. My girls couldn’t get enough of me. We talked and shared and laughed. And now that I’m away I’m receiving lots of “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to come to the cabin” texts. What a wonderful Labor Day weekend we’re going to spend together at our cabin in the forest. 🙂
My friend, connection can’t wait. It should be priority one. Nothing else will give you more influence in your teen’s life than a fun, lasting, and meaningful relationship. Once you have it, everything becomes easier. And I mean, everything. If you’re ready to connect with your teen, a quick reply to this email will let me know you’re interested in learning how I help moms arrive at their dream destination.
And now, you’re allowed to do your reproving eye look one last time before you promise to make it a thing of the past 🙂 Don’t build walls, my friend. They make you work twice as hard – tearing down the wall AND building a bridge to connect with your teen. I believe in you. Connection is waiting!
