There I sat. In the office. Typing at my computer when my teenage daughter walked in, arms folded, grimace on her face, staring at me with chagrin. She quickly proceeded to say in her sternest voice, “Mom, I’ve already checked all the cupboards. We’re out of laundry detergent. How am I supposed to do my wash?”
There I stood. In the kitchen. Helping my four teens unpack and put away the pile of groceries Instacart had just delivered to our door. “Where are the Monsters?” my teenage daughter asked with frustration raging. “I prefer you don’t drink those due to the caffeine amount so I took them out of the order,” I responded with sincerity, only for her to quickly argue back as she marched out of the kitchen in anger, “There’s WAY more caffeine in the Cokes you drink than in my Monsters!”
There I sat. At the dining room table. Enjoying my husband’s 54th birthday celebration when our son shared a story from a funny YouTube video he’d seen. My teenage daughter was quick to blurt out, “Mom blocked my YouTube. I couldn’t watch it even if I wanted to.”
I may not choose the situations and the people in my life, but I can choose how I react. I get to choose how my mind interprets the world and, therefore, how my life will go.
And so, because I know this is true, guess how I reacted in each of these situations?
I let it be.
I didn’t argue back or raise my voice or profess to be right to prove my teen wrong.
I didn’t teach her a lesson because she ‘must know‘ it was impolite to behave that way.
Nope, I didn’t. I let it be.
Why?
Because that’s where I gain my power as a human. As a mother.
Many of you are fighting a battle against your teen that you’re eager to win. You’re desperate to be victorious over their negativity, their lack of respect, and their blatant ingratitude for everything you give to them. You’re longing for them to ‘get it’, to acknowledge it, and to show up accordingly. And yet, by desiring and often demanding your sought-after response from them, aren’t you consequently being driven to engage in a battle in such a way that you’re simply creating a war?
- When we try to conquer their anger with our anger, there’s just more anger.
- When we try to conquer their frustration with our frustration, there’s just more frustration.
- When we try to conquer their disrespect with our disrespect, there’s just more disrespect.
Their defense thus becomes our defense and by mirroring them, we assume we’re building protective walls around us. But, battles aren’t won by building walls. They’re won by allowing our walls to fall. By willingly allowing our walls to crumble to the ground.
And so, I choose to let it be.
- I choose to embrace their anger with my compassion.
- I choose to embrace their frustration with my curiosity.
- I choose to embrace their disrespect with my respect.
But why? Because I believe goodness interrupts the battle. It awakens us. It undoes us. It cuts us open and restarts our hearts. When my teen appears bitter, cranky, unsure, doubting, and negative, I choose goodness to interrupt them. I choose goodness to overcome my teen’s cynicism.
Our teens are growing up in an increasingly cynical world that’s advising them to keep their guard up so they won’t be taken advantage of. I see this very clearly in my teenagers. I hear it in their responses and I witness it in their behavior…daily.
It shows up in many forms, including, “If I don’t look out for myself, who will?”, “Nothing is as good as it seems”, “I’m fine. I don’t need help from anything or anyone”, and “Don’t get your hopes up. You’ll just be setting yourself up for a fall.”
I recognize my teen’s behaviors are often driven by cynicism – interpreting the world based on the hurt they’ve experienced and the wounds that still lie gaping open from that hurt. This is what drives them to be short, snide, critical, distrusting, and distant. They’re functioning with sky-high walls and growing anger toward others because cynicism tells them that nobody can be trusted, that they’re never, ever safe, and that life will not work out.
And so, my friend, our teens are living in a perceived protective shell of cynicism that blocks not only their potential for hurt but also their potential for joy.
I choose to break through their cynicism with my optimism. Always.
Because I believe all things work out, that people are trustworthy and good and kind, that the world is replete with delight when we fully engage with it and with others.
So, when my daughter asked how she’d get her wash done, I leaped out of my office chair and scurried to the laundry room in search of the detergent she desperately needed. I found it hidden behind a stack of towels rather quickly and handed it to her politely and said, “Here you go. By the way, I sure do love you.”
And when my daughter marched off in frustration about her beloved Monsters, I let her. But when the time was right and emotions weren’t escalated, we had a conversation about caffeine intake and its effect on our bodies and we compromised.
And when my daughter shot daggers across the table at me for blocking YouTube, I melted them with warmth and smiles and compassion because deep-down she knows she’ll gladly get it back when two of her grades improve.
Like mine, your teenager is functioning through their learned cynical belief of ‘People are not trustworthy and life will not work out’ and that’s ok. Don’t fight their cynicism with cynicism. Let your walls crumble. Allow yourself to be intentional and deliberate with your responses. Allow yourself to delight in showing your teen a better, higher way than the world offers. Allow yourself to delight in optimism. Optimism fosters joy and joy fosters connection.
Life is full of spectacular moments if you simply have the eyes to see them. I count the experiences I’ve shared in this email with my teenage daughter as spectacular. Not because they’re worthy of praise or applause, but because my joy in overcoming my inner cynic is softening my teen’s doubting heart as she tears down her walls. She’s seeing there’s a different way. A way to allow her life to be flooded with goodness and optimism and trust. And it’s her mother that’s showing her the way.
That, my friend, is what is spectacular to me. Just a teen and her mom. Breaking through the world’s common ‘I don’t need anybody’ attitude and replacing it with genuine optimism, love, and connection. I do need my daughter and she needs me.
Believe me, cynicism crumbles in the presence of optimism.
