If you missed Suicide, Your Teen, and You – Part 1 click here, Part 2 click here, Part 3 click here.
Every day you say and do things as a mother…
and every day your teen perceives what you say and do as a mother.
It’s important to note the two are NOT the same.
But why? Because the majority of mothers believe that what they say and do is what’s perceived by their teens. And it’s not.
Your teenager witnesses your actions through their unique lens or perception, which is their lifetime accumulation of literally hundreds of thousands of thoughts, beliefs, meanings, opinions, and judgments. They see you as they’ve programmed themselves to see you. This means they don’t view you objectively, they view you subjectively. They don’t see just your actions or hear just your words, they see and hear their created version of your actions and words. And, trust me, they believe their version is true. Actually, it’s even more than that, they believe the way they witness you is FACTUAL. Like they’re just relaying the ‘truth’ of what’s happening before them. And they’re not. The real truth is they’re witnessing their created version of you that combines both your words & actions with their enmeshed reflexive STORY. This story is what they perceive and it’s what sticks in their mind. They 100% believe their story and it’s what plays in their head on constant repeat when they observe you as their mother. (Note: All humans do this. You do this to your teen too.)
This, my friend, is why you’re not messing up your teen. You’re NOT messing up your teen because YOU don’t have the power to. Really, you don’t. Trust me.
Here’s how it works: Your teenager uses their human brain to interpret what you say and do. This is useful and necessary. There is no other way for your teen to relate to you. This is true of all humans. This means your teenager is choosing what they think about you with their mind. Now, most of us do not understand or acknowledge that we have the power to choose our thoughts and that’s ok (we’ll leave that conversation for another email for another day). But, what you need to understand is that YOU don’t get to choose your teen’s thoughts for them. EVER. You don’t get to decide their perception. You don’t get to decide how they take you in or what sticks in their brain about you. They do. They get to decide. They get to decide if they’ll perceive you as ‘messing them up’ or ‘not messing them up’.
Honestly, it’s completely out of your control and completely in their control.
This is how I know you’re not messing up your teen, because you can’t.
So, if it’s true (and it is) that you don’t control your teen’s thoughts in their brain, it also means you don’t create their feelings (thoughts create feelings), and you don’t drive what they say or do (feelings drive actions). And if you don’t control what they say or do, guess what? You also don’t control the results they have in their life. This means you’re not creating the ‘good’ things or the ‘bad’. They are. Your teen is in control of creating their results. They’re in control of their grades, their admission to college, their friendships, their room’s tidiness, their musical performance, etc. You name it, they’re in control of it. They decide what they create in their life. Period.
I hope you’re starting to notice you’re not the creator of the ‘good’ things in your teen’s life and you’re certainly not to blame for the ‘bad’ things. Honestly, you’re NOT responsible, accountable, or in-control of anything your teen creates in their life. They are. And it would be wise for you to begin to notice how all too willing moms are to accept the praise for the good AND the criticism for the bad. If you’re doing this, please stop. As mothers, we’re NOT intended to take on any of it. It’s not ours to own. Our teens and their results do not belong to us. They are theirs. They belong to them.
Now, let’s take it one step further for good measure. Just because you can’t mess up your teen by what you say or do doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carefully consider AND intentionally choose what you’re going to say and do as a mother. I think you absolutely should. In fact, I believe this is the KEY to creating connection with our teens. I believe we need to spend time reflecting on how we show up in our household. Reflecting on how we parent our teens. Reflecting on the things we choose to do and say day-in and day-out without conscious and deliberate planning. And I think we need to do this for us, not for them.
The way we’re living our lives matters to us. The way we’re living our lives, the words we say, the actions we take, they’re all reflective of our perception of ourselves. They’re reflective of who we think and believe we are. This is where we must start. We must know what’s sticking in our brains. We must witness and observe the hundreds of thousands of thoughts, beliefs, and meanings that create our perception. These thoughts create our feelings and our feelings drive us to act. Our perception of ourselves directly affects how we show up in our lives…as a woman and as a mother. What should matter to you is if you are messing up YOU. Because THAT you do have the power to control. And taking control of you will change everything in your life.
In summary, you’re not messing up your teen and you’re also not fixing your teen. If you’re questioning this or it’s not sitting right in your brain, please don’t leave me. Don’t unsubscribe because you don’t understand. Stick with me because grasping this concept will set you free. It’ll allow you to cut the cord once and for all as you realize you’ve remained tied to your teen to secure your hopes & dreams for them while striving to avoid your greatest fears for them.
Let them go. Let it all go. They control their hopes and dreams. They control their results. You control you. You control your results.
I shared a few weeks ago that there were days when my son expressed suicidal ideations. And on those days I believed it was my fault. But today, knowing what I know now, I know I wasn’t responsible. He’d always had the choice to think and believe what he wanted. About himself and about me. He got to decide his thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. I got to decide mine. Once I recognized the separation between the two, I felt humbled, empowered, and oh so very FREE. I embraced what he chose for him and I turned my focus to deliberately choosing for me. From that space, I was able to unconditionally love us both.💗We were no longer entwined to each other for the sake of my needing control and reassurance about what his life should be. Nope, I dropped all of that. We were entwined just because we wanted to be. And from there we were able to grow together. Together, but not tied to the thoughts, feelings, actions, or results of the other. Just together. A genuine love and connection of two humans that see each other and meet each other where they are. It’s a beautiful thing.
I created these realizations I share with you each week through coaching. Coaching changed my life. It will change your life too. Your mental health is the key to making everything in your life CLICK. Nothing has more power than your mind. If you’re not working with a coach, you’re likely using your high-tech, fuel-efficient Tesla brain as if it’s a bicycle with training wheels.😉 Ready to upgrade your ride? Every human needs a coach, including you. If I’m not the coach for you, that’s ok. Please find a coach that fits your personal style and invest in coaching. Invest in you. Investing will reap dividends for you and your family for years and years to come.
My friend, I cannot imagine where I would be without coaching. Are you ready to begin your journey?
