If you missed Suicide, Your Teen, and You – Part 1, click here to read it.
After that coaching call, I sat motionless in my chair and sobbed, my eyes closed, my head hanging down. I spiraled back to those previous years with my son as image after image and moment after moment flashed in repeated succession across my mind. It was both daunting and haunting to see them pass before me, but what struck me most was the soundtrack that played with them. ‘Everything would’ve been different back then if you’d been different. If the things you’d said were different, if the things you’d done were different, everything would’ve been different. You should’ve known better. Because – somehow, in some way – he wouldn’t have struggled and you wouldn’t have struggled if you’d just been different. If you’d known more, listened more, done more… Yep, if you’d been different…things would’ve been different.’
Familiarity, no matter the flavor, is comforting so I allowed the story to cycle through its entirety. I must admit, in some oddly peculiar way, it felt so good to feel so bad. To be immersed in the well-known previous patterns of belittling and demeaning myself that had once seemed productive and useful all those years ago. I went there. I gave in. I let it all playback. The ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’. The loneliness, the misery, the desperation. I melted into it with every fiber of my being. Until…eventually…the story slowed. The images ceased. The soundtrack stopped. Left with only silence, stillness, and peace. I rested in it. I embodied it and embraced it. I let it dissipate as I visualized it expanding out of my chest, spreading down my arms and legs until it eventually dripped out my fingers and toes. My tears dried. I lifted my head and opened my eyes. And there I was. Back in the present day, in my office, sitting at my desk. The sun shining through the side window as it began its gradual descent into the horizon. I pondered on what I’d experienced and felt compelled to be still until the moment was imprinted…on EVERY part of me. I wanted and needed to remember this.
My friend, as mothers of teens we’re often too hard on ourselves. We mistakenly believe that focusing on our mistakes, our inadequacies, and our perceived failures will somehow lead us to powerful humility, deep transformation, and lasting connection. And yet, it doesn’t. It never will. Beating yourself up only leads to more aggressive and more frequent beat ups. I highly recommend you believe me. All those years ago I didn’t know any better. No one had taught me that loving myself was the best and only way to create lasting change that would stick for a lifetime. No one. And so, probably very much like you, I told myself that I sucked at being a mom, that I’d never figure it out, and that I was worthless. I did so in an effort to ‘pay’ for my faults and flaws. It felt redemptive in some way. Almost deserved. And it spun on constant repeat. I was very willing to shame myself if that’s what it took to become free from the perils that entwined me. But, it was not to be. Nothing freed me. Nothing cut me loose from the chains that bound and held me captive…until I met unconditional love.
Yes, I learned to love myself. To truly love me. Every single part of me. Slowly, day by day, I made it a priority in my life. I listened when my coach told me that all humans do the best they can…always. But was I? Had I done my best with my son? I didn’t yet know the answers to those questions, but I didn’t let that stop me. I also listened when my coach told me that loving myself was the only way to become whoever it was I desperately wanted to be. And so, I waved the white flag in my mind, officially surrendered, and proceeded to enforce a moratorium on all belittling and demeaning. For me, my family, all humans. For always. I was no longer willing to sit back and idly accept the self-loathing thoughts my brain threw at me as if they were air I needed to breathe to remain alive. I was done. From then on I would be diligent in fostering my ability to shut down negative self-talk.
And so I began the arduous process of letting go of the mom I used to be.
My friend, no matter what you’ve done as a mother. No matter what you’ve said as a mother. It’s ok. It’s all ok.You’re NOT a terrible mom. You’re NOT failing every day. You’re NOT worthless. You’re NOT going to stay where you are forever. And you are NOT messing up your teenager. Yes, again, for those that need to hear it twice, you are NOT messing up your teenager (more on this next week). I promise. You, mama, are doing the best you can. The very, very best you can. Day in and day out. I know you are because I was.
All those years ago when my son was running away and threatening suicide and I was yelling and attacking him…I was doing my best. Arguing, pointing out his flaws, showing him just how far he was from reaching his potential. All of it was my best…at the time. It’s what I was capable of. How do I know? Because it’s what I did. If I could have done better, I would have done better. For SURE. I know because the love I had for him was immense. It filled me and then some. If I would have known how to do it differently or could have done it differently, I would have. I absolutely, certainly, and completely would have. BUT, I didn’t. I showed up as the mom I was at the time…and that’s ok. Actually, it’s better than ok. It’s EXACTLY as it was meant to be. Choosing to unconditionally love myself broke those chains that held me captive for so long. My unfeigned willingness to embrace all of me equally – my perceived faults and flaws, my perceived successes and strengths – proved to be the key in helping me and my son through our darkest days.
Now, you might be asking yourself what everything I’ve written here has to do with suicide. And no, I did not get lost on a tangent, though I do love a good rabbit hole excursion every now and then. Everything I’ve shared with you today is crucial, foundational in fact, to you having the knowledge, capacity, and wherewithal to show up for your teen if and when they become suicidal. If you do NOT know how to unconditionally love yourself as you are, you do NOT know how to unconditionally love your teen as they are. So when your teen becomes despondent, depressed, and suicidal, you will go through what I did. You’ll blame yourself. You’ll question everything you’ve ever said and done. You’ll question every choice you’ve ever made. And then you’ll lose yourself in the fear that you might lose your child. NONE of this will help you help your teen when they’re hopeless and wanting to escape their life. It just adds fuel to the fire and complexity to the situation. It’s likely you’ll both be lost. I do NOT want that for you. I want you to avoid the pitfalls and heartaches I needlessly suffered through. I want you to be able to be the unwavering, unconditionally loving, and resilient force your teen relies on when their world is crumbling apart. My friend, it is possible. Because not long after I committed to learning to love myself and was thereby intimately and deeply transformed, I was faced with a daughter that expressed thoughts of suicide. And you know what? It was a COMPLETELY different experience. One that I hold dear as it prepped me to face it all again, just a year later, with yet another daughter. Yes, that’s three kids and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve learned so much. So much that I’ll be writing to you about it week after week for a while in hopes of showing you possibilities you might not see on your own.
Today I will leave you with the exercise I used to kickstart my journey of letting go of the mom I used to be so I could become the mom I am today. In practicality, the work it took to redefine my past was achieved a day and a story at a time. I invested myself in writing down the details of the experiences I’d had with my son that I wanted to look closer at and possibly reevaluate. I wrote down the following from each experience:
- the things he’d said and done and the things I’d said and done,
- my stories (my thoughts, judgments, and opinions) about those things,
- my feelings,
- what I said and did, and
- what I’d created in my life because of how I’d unintentionally shown up as his mother in those experiences.
In documenting it on paper, I allowed myself to see and witness all of it as separate from ‘me’ – meaning it wasn’t WHO I was. None of it defined me. It wasn’t part of me. This allowed me to objectively and curiously separate the facts from the story I’d told about the experiences. Most of the stories my brain was hanging onto I needed and wanted to rewrite. Stories I began to realize were optional. This newfound freedom led me to retell each and every story in a way that served me. I intentionally framed these memories with deliberate and conscious thoughts. The truth is…doing this work showed me something remarkable – I WAS doing the best that I could. Every. Single. Time. My coach had been right. When I invested myself in actively and intently reflecting on the experiences I’d originally documented, I knew for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’d done my very best at the time. I did exactly what I was capable of at each moment. I did what I thought and truly believed was what I needed to do. I wasn’t trying to mess things up, I wasn’t trying to be difficult, I wasn’t trying to ridicule my son. I was trying to parent him and guide him the way I knew how. And honestly, from where I sit now, it was my best. (As a side note, if these teachings I’ve shared today apply to you, they apply to your teenager too. Try to imagine what that looks like for them and what their story is.)
I give my past self so much grace, compassion, and empathy for what she was able to do. I love her. In all her mess, in all her glory. I love her. I admire her conviction to grow, to learn, and to overcome. I admire her devotion to getting me where I am today. Without her, you wouldn’t be reading this. Without her, I wouldn’t have a deep, lasting, and intimate connection with my son. I owe her everything.
And now it’s your turn to decide. Are you ready to let go of the mom you used to be?
