My son had F’s in school.
He played video games.
He avoided chores.
He bought phones from friends.
He sneaked old devices.
He hacked the wifi.
He joined social media.
He looked at porn.
He lied.
He ran away.
He threatened suicide.
I believed I was a terrible mom.
That something was wrong with me.
Because good moms don’t have teens like this.
They have teens that listen and obey.
Why couldn’t I be that mom?
I was stuck in despair.
Miserable and angry.
It was all too much.
I pointed out his flaws.
I told him what he could do better.
He didn’t respond.
He wasn’t listening.
So, I yelled. I screamed.
I wanted him to get the message.
He was wrong and I was right.
I used every word I had.
But still no response.
I stomped out.
Furious. Frustrated. And at wit’s end.
I believed I was a terrible mom.
That something was wrong with me.
Because good moms don’t do what I did.
Good moms keep their cool.
Why couldn’t I be that mom?
I went to my room and cried.
I was lost.
I searched my mind for a way out.
And committed to change.
Tomorrow I’d be better.
Only to do what I’d promised to never do again … the very next day.
This pattern repeated.
Over and over and over.
Then one morning I had a crazy idea.
Nothing I did was working.
Nothing I did changed him. Or me.
I finally realized it.
I finally saw what needed to change.
The rules, the comparisons, the consequences, the finger-pointing. The yelling, the ridiculing, the judgment, the arguments.
None of it worked.
None of it created connection.
So, I dropped it all.
And I did a 180.
I ditched the rules.
I dropped the expectations.
I stopped arguing.
I chose to let go.
I let go of everything I believed I was supposed to do. And focused instead on what I wanted to do.
I wanted a relationship with my son.
I wanted to know him.
I wanted to talk to him, not yell at him.
I wanted to hug him, not push him away.
And so that’s what I did.
I turned my focus to loving him. And loving me.
There were no rules. No guidelines.
No shoulds or shouldn’ts.
No standards to be met.
No qualifications to be loved.
It was just me and him.
A mother and a son.
Learning who each other was.
Learning how to love without any strings attached.
Interest, curiosity, and compassion became my friends. They showed me what I couldn’t see before.
My son wasn’t the grades on his report card.
Or the unmade bed in his messy room.
He wasn’t the images he looked at online.
Or the evenings he snuck out the back door.
He was my son.
My beloved son.
An amazing human.
Full of desire and talent. Empathy and love.
His behaviors were simply symptoms of what he didn’t have that he desperately needed. He needed and longed to be seen and loved. By his mother. The woman who’d given him life. The woman who’d been by his side every day from birth. He wanted to know that nothing he did could undo my love. And so that’s what I showed him.
I loved and loved.
Day in and day out.
I accepted. I embraced. I allowed.
And soon, things changed.
We began to talk.
We began to understand each other.
We began to bond.
Those years challenged me.
They pushed me to the edge.
But they also created a lasting and meaningful connection. They created the AMAZING relationship I now have with my son.
Doing the 180 seemed downright crazy when I did it. It went against everything I knew. Including my husband, parenting books, and expert suggestions. But I did it because it felt right.
And, you know what? It worked.
Connection fixed everything. We treated each other with the unconditional love we felt. And the transactional parts of life naturally fell into place. Life became easy and effortless.
My friend, if you’re stuck in patterns that aren’t creating connection with your teen, choose to let go! Make a switch. Be daring. Be bold. Drop the rules. Ditch the expectations. Get to know your teen. Deeply. Understand what makes them tick. Go against the crowd. Do exactly the opposite of what you’re doing now.
The 180 saved my relationship with my son.
What if it will do the same for you?
