Fairytale expectations can damage relationships.
Remember when you first found out you were pregnant.
Immediately your mind envisioned the amazing life your child would have in exquisite and beautiful full-color detail.
From the miraculous birth to those shaky first steps,
From diapers to big kid undies,
From hot lunch at school to puberty and pimples,
From their first date to moving out,
From college to parenthood.
You pictured a life for your child that was beautiful, fulfilling, and altogether wonderful. You’ve carried this fairy tale with you over the years, making tiny adjustments as life unfolded. Then something big and unexpected happened. Something that wasn’t in your plan. Something you COULD NOT have, and definitely would NOT have, wanted to plan for.
As you compare the story that is now unfolding with the story you thought would unfold, you begin to believe something has gone terribly wrong.
Instead of health, there is an illness.
Instead of laughter on the playground, there is sand thrown in their eyes.
Instead of completed chores, there is an unmade bed and clothes on the floor.
Instead of straight A’s, there are D’s on the report card.
Instead of weekends spent with friends, there are endless nights spent alone.
Instead of a prom date, there are tears on the pillow.
Instead of an Ivy League education, there is living at home.
Instead of a fancy job with a high-paying salary, there is unemployment.
Instead of happily ever after, there is divorce.
You see, my friend, you have the greatest hopes for your child from the moment you learn they exist. You celebrate, fantasize, and imagine ALL the things that WILL happen in their life. It seems productive, helpful almost. As if you’re foretelling what will be. Believing that the simple practice of thinking about it will confirm its existence in their future.
By having done this … you tricked yourself into presuming and believing you knew how your child’s life should be AND how it should go.
But you didn’t. You just believed that you did.
You created a fairy tale story of your teen’s life. A story that is simply that … a fairy tale.
Today I want you to break up with your fairy tale story.
When you create a story of what your child’s life will be like, your brain believes the story you’ve created and makes it ‘real’ in your mind. You become deeply attached to the story: including the major plot points and the fairy tale ending. Then, in direct disagreement with the fairy tale story, real-life happens, your teen chooses a different path, and what you thought would be, does NOT match what actually is.
Your brain becomes keenly aware of this discrepancy which causes your thoughts to easily race off to places of ‘This wasn’t supposed to happen’, ‘How can this be?’, and ‘This needs to be fixed immediately.’ (Note: your teenager does not want to be fixed and once they notice you’re trying to fix them, they will push back and push back hard. 😉)
All of this thinking is wherein the problem lies. There is ONLY a problem to fix because you believe you KNOW with certainty what your child’s story is SUPPOSED to be.
But you don’t know what their story or their life is supposed to be, you just think you do.
The truth is…you never had any idea what your child’s life would be like. You assumed you did, but you didn’t. It was simply something you made-up and chose to believe.
Their story is now unfolding before you as they live their life.
Their life likely doesn’t match your fairy tale story.
If you’re arguing with (ie. trying to change) the reality that’s unfolding, beware.
When you argue with what is, you always lose. Always!
So, here’s what you do instead:
You choose to let your teen write their own fairy tale story.
Whatever story you created about your child’s life, LET IT GO.
Whatever you believe they’re supposed to do or not supposed to do in their life, LET IT GO.
Whatever story you think must come true for them to be happy, LET IT GO.
Whatever story you think must come true for you to be happy, LET IT GO.
Whatever future truth you’re hanging onto that you feel is ‘meant to be’ for your teen, acknowledge it’s part of a fairy tale story that is not grounded in the reality of life.
The only place the story EVER existed was in your mind. This is why it’s true for you and not for your teen.
Clinging to it will create nothing but disappointment, frustration, sadness, and disconnection. Reality will continue to not meet up with what you’ve expected to happen. It’s inevitable, my friends. The two will never be the same.
So, herein lies the choice you must make:
- Do you continue to try to mold your teen and their life into what you think it should be because you’re the expert on their life?
OR
- Do you break up with your fairy tale story and allow your teen to write their own and be the expert in their life?
(Here’s a tiny hint: No one wants to live someone else’s story. No one. Not even you.)
The choice is yours so consider well.
One leads to separation and one leads to connection.
