I was replying to emails Wednesday night when Addy walked into the office. She’d just returned home from her job as a swim instructor. It was 8:30 p.m. She was tired as she slumped into the chair across from me. She heaved a heavy sigh, leaned onto the desk, and rested her head on her forearms. She was motionless. I rubbed her hair softly to comfort her. It wasn’t long before she flipped herself upright and said, “You realize I only have like TWO years left of high school? Are you and Dad gonna be sad when I’m gone?”
I looked into her eyes and replied, “No, we won’t be sad. But we are DEFINITELY going to miss you. “
“You’re not going to be sad? Why?”
“Because this is how it’s supposed to be. You’re intended to grow up, be independent, and move out on your own.”
Remembering her grand plans for the future, she exclaimed, “Yeah, once I graduate, I’m gonna move out, live on my own, and start an interior design business. I can’t wait!”
“Ya, me too! It’s going to be amazing, ” I agreed.
She paused, considering me and my feelings, and then asked again, “Are you sure you’re not going to be sad?”
I shook my head as I confirmed, “No. I’m not going to be sad. I will be happy! Because if you’re excited about your future and capable of living independently, then there’s NO REASON for me to be sad. It means I’ve been a great mom by making myself obsolete.”
Her confused stare told me I needed to clarify, so I continued, “I love you SO much. So, please don’t worry. It’s not just me. The job of EVERY mom is to make themselves obsolete…”
“But that’s so sad….” she interrupted.
“It might seem that way, but guess what? It’s not. When a parent makes themselves obsolete, their child no longer needs them. It means the child no longer relies on them for everything because they have new skills. They’ve gone from being incapable to capable. THIS is the whole point of parenting — to raise our kids to be independent, competent, capable, and autonomous adults.”
Addy smirked at my big words. We’re on an “increase our vocabulary” kick right now.
“It might seem like we’d be writing ourselves out of our children’s lives by doing this, but we’re not. We’re actually doing the opposite – we’re writing ourselves INTO their lives in a way that works and will LAST. The truth is that every human wants to be independent and capable. So, when parents help their children get what they want, they elevate themselves from being someone their children NEED to someone they WANT. And, there’s a BIG difference between being NEEDED and being WANTED. We all want to be wanted. But being needed is highly overrated and exhausting. Trust me – I know!” I laughed at my joke as I finished, “That’s why I won’t ever be sad about you moving out. You’ll be living your best life, and I know I played a vital role in making that happen. There IS nothing better than helping your children reach their dreams.”
She smiled, expressed her tiredness, and hugged me tight on her way to bed. “Ya. You’re right. I’ll always want to come home. Thanks, Mom.” 💕
Addy understood. She got it. There’s no reason for either of us to be sad about the future. Her growing up, moving out, and living on her own means she’s succeeding. And so am I. We’re winning at the game of life TOGETHER. She’s my baby, the youngest of four. Every day, I’m inching closer to being obsolete. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Aim to be obsolete. Aim to be wanted by your teen.
