Does your teen feel unseen? Do you ever feel unseen?
I was mid-sentence when I realized my husband wasn’t listening to a word I was saying. He was leaning toward me, but he was fixated on his computer screen and thrilled by the many responses he had received on his Land Rover repair blog post. I chose to stop talking and to focus my attention on finishing the emails I was working on.
Later, much later, he recognized he’d gotten “lost” in what he was doing and had failed to both listen to me and engage actively in our conversation. I accepted his apology and went about my day. But something about that moment stayed with me. I had been profoundly upset, hurt, and confused almost instantly upon recognizing his lack of attention and interest in what I was sharing. Upon deeper reflection, I knew why.
I wanted to be “seen”.
I was sharing something that was deeply important to me. Something that sets my heart on fire and warms my soul. Something that inspires me every morning to get out of bed. Something that feels like a driving force in who I am and what I do. Something that in every sense is “a part of me”. I wanted him at that moment to embrace it. To learn about it. To see the goodness in it. To celebrate the joy of it. But even more, I wanted him to embrace me. To learn about me. To see the goodness of me. To celebrate me.
I wanted to be seen. To be known. To be understood. Deeply. Very deeply.
This acknowledgment gave me a newfound perspective I’d only received tiny glimpses of in my past. Now I felt fully educated. I embraced the ways I had failed to “see” myself and the responsibility I’d given others to do this vital work for me. I chose to validate me, celebrate me, and “see” me. I was now fully immersed in the power only being “seen” can create. I internalized it, relished in it, and then deliberately pivoted my focus.
I had wanted to be seen. Still do. Always will. If this was all true, and it was, didn’t it then seem likely that those I love the most would also want to be seen? Yes, of course. I began to ask myself. Does my husband feel seen? Do my teens feel seen? Do I show up in a way that my words and actions show them that I see them? Truly see them? Not for what they do or don’t do, but for who they are?
Now, I know feeling “seen” is ALWAYS going to be something humans create with their thoughts, as with all feelings. But, this isn’t about me trying to create a feeling for them to experience or manipulating them to feel seen. No, it’s about me showing up in my life. It’s about me speaking and acting in a way that evidences the priority and extreme value I have chosen to place on me truly “seeing” them. This is something I choose to do and something I’m willing to invest in because the payback for me and them is tremendous.
My recently discovered knowledge couldn’t have come at a better time. Soon after, I received an email from my daughter’s school stating she hadn’t turned in her schoolwork. She’d previously told me, on several occasions, she was completing and submitting her work timely. I began asking myself probing questions about what might be going on with her. I allowed my imagination to take flight. It soared through a wide variety of possible explanations for her behavior. Once firmly grounded in knowing I didn’t know what was going on, I only thought I did (thanks brain), I endeavored to talk with her. I chose with intent to open myself to “see” her, no matter what her response or excuse or rationale was. I was going to ensure my words and actions showed her that ABOVE ALL ELSE, SHE mattered to me. Not her grades or her compliance or her intellect. I wanted her to know I was willing to truly see her.
And you know what, she had a lot to say. There were lies, excuses and blaming. It could have been perceived as defiance. But my frame of mind allowed me to see through it. Instead of defiance, I recognized hopelessness, depression, confusion, sadness, and self-doubt. She felt uncertain about how to use Google classroom, she felt confused about what needed to be submitted and what didn’t, she felt depressed due to social circle troubles, she felt dumb that she didn’t understand the science and math work, she felt sad believing there was no one to help her, she felt stuck without a lifeline and with every passing day the work continued to pile up on top of her until she felt completely hopeless and lost.
She sat in my lap and cried…for almost 25 minutes. I just held her. Hugged her. Wiped her tears. Listened with the intent to understand. To see it with her eyes, to feel it from her heart. And I did. I truly saw her and she felt seen.
What’s followed has been a transformative experience for both of us. We’ve spent days working closely together. Spending time together. I’ve taught and she’s learned. She’s taught and I’ve learned. It’s been remarkable.
Your teen might be pushing back against you, yelling, slamming doors and spending the majority of their waking hours alone in their bedroom glued to a screen. Your teen might fail to be ready on time for the one and ONLY family event on the calendar. They might falsely testify to completing and submitting all of their schoolwork timely. They might even look you in the eyes and with anger raging say, “You just don’t get it!” And you might, after all of this, be tempted to ground them through eternity and believe you’re the worst mother ever.
But you’d be wrong. Your teen is not defiant. Your teen ONLY appears defiant. But appearances are often misleading. What’s really going on deep down inside is they’re doubting their abilities. Their intellect. Their social standing. Their worth. Their capacity. Their purpose. Their place in the mental hierarchy of who knows what and who knows who. They are sad, lost, hopeless, confused, depressed, worried, afraid, bored or misunderstood. I know because I have one.
How often do we check in with our teens with a sincere desire to learn and understand, to see the world from their perspective, NOT to mold or change them?
Does your teenager feel seen? Do they believe you know who they are? What they like? What they dislike? What they value? What they would give their life for? What they’re afraid of? What they’re hoping for more than anything? What spins in their mind throughout the day? What they can’t figure out?
Imagine what would change if we became enthralled in learning who our teens are in their purest form of existence. Learning how to see them to their core as whole creatures with a one-of-a-kind essence that creates their uniquely identifiable and magnificent signature of being.
Everything will and would change. Every. Single. Thing.
The more I think I know, the more I have to learn. The more opportunities I’m given to stretch, grow and become. These moments of utter despair and longing for relief have become some of my most cherished moments of parenthood. They’ve refined me through and through. They’ve also left me with a clearer focus and crisper determination to engage instead of separate, to embrace instead of judge, and to repair instead of break.
If you’re struggling to “see” your teen, take yourself back to the day they were born. Remember yourself gazing into their tiny little face, being overcome with a new and powerful love that knew no bounds and had no expectations. It was just pure love. Your baby didn’t need to do anything or be a certain way. You just loved them as they were. At that moment, you saw your child. You CAN see them again. This is the work we’ve been called to do as parents of teens.
