Do you overreact? Your teen chooses to open up and share with you.
“I’m smoking pot.”
“I’m french kissing.”
“I’m looking at porn.”
“I got a speeding ticket.”
As soon as you hear it, your mind explodes.
‘They did what? How could they? I cannot believe this!’
Their future flashes before you. You see every choice they’ll make until they’re living in a van down by the river. 😉 Alone. Lost. And oh so very sad.
Suddenly, you’re upset, fearful, and out of control.
So, you blow your top. “Don’t you know what you’re doing is bad? I never thought a child of mine would do such a thing. You should NOT be ______. It makes me wonder what’s going on in that brain of yours! Look at me when I’m speaking to you. What other trouble are you getting yourself into? Don’t you know this could lead to _____ and _____? I cannot believe this is happening.”
Your teen stares at you.
Shocked and dismayed.
Disappointed even.
This is not how they thought it would go.
They say nothing. But they got the message. Loud and clear.
Do NOT share with mom. EVER.
She cannot handle it. She cannot handle the truth.
She freaks out. Loses her cool. And lectures.
You’ve now solidified it in your teenager’s mind.
Mom cannot be trusted to understand.
To listen. To get what it’s like to be me.
To get what it’s like to be a teenager.
And so, your teen will never share with you.
They’ll keep their thoughts to themself.
And if necessary, they’ll lie to prevent and avoid your inevitable freak out.
My friend, your reaction to your teen matters.
When they open up and share their truth, they’re trusting you. They’re trusting you to be there for them. To hold space for their experience, their thoughts, and their feelings. They’re wanting you to be ‘in it’ with them.
Without judgment. Without advice.
And when they don’t get it, they shut down.
I used to overreact daily.
It taught my teens to hide their truth from me.
To keep it private and secret.
Disconnection was a natural result.
Then I learned to pause for perspective.
I learned to remain calm no matter what.
Taking these two steps showed my teen I wouldn’t freak out. No matter what they shared, I wouldn’t lose my cool or blow up. Instead, I listened to understand. I listened to empathize.
I became a safe space. A place they trusted.
And soon, sharing flowed freely.
My teens told me ‘all the things’.
Connection was a natural result.
My friend, if you’re stuck in a habit of overreacting you need to pause for perspective. Then remain calm no matter what. These two steps lead you to connect with your teen. Always.
If you’re struggling to take these steps, I can help. I teach moms the skills they need to be able to pause and remain calm. If you want your teen to share with you, you need these skills. Simply reply to this email if you’re ready to learn how.
Your teen WILL let you in when you STOP overreacting. It’s time you figure out how.
