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Do good moms say no? YES! In fact, that’s what good parents do. We have a rule in our house. You’re welcome to color your hair at your own expense. But ONLY with God-given hair colors. No pink or blue or teal or green. Two nights ago, my daughter asked if she could color her hair pink. I looked into her eyes and replied with a smile on my face, “I love you, and no, you can’t color your hair pink. Once you’re eighteen and move out, you’re welcome to color your hair whatever color you choose. But for now, God-given hair colors are what you’ve got.” She looked at me, said nothing, and walked out. My friend, love doesn’t always say, “Yes.” Sometimes love says, “No.” Too many moms fall prey to the myth that love always agrees, gives in, and sacrifices. They believe that love says, “Yes,” “Sure,” and “Ok.” But this isn’t true. Sometimes the most loving thing you can say to your teenager is, “I love you, and no.” This week I coached two moms that were struggling to say no to their teenagers. Their circumstances were different, but the flavor was the same. They were taught to say yes when they really mean no. They’re attending ball games, cooking nightly meals, and making room on the porch swing. They don’t want to, but they believe they’re supposed to, so they do. They’re making accommodations because doing so is part of the obligation and duty of being a mother. And yet, this is NOT what they truly desire. They want to go to bed early and read their favorite book. They want to serve chips and salsa and call it dinner. They want to go to the porch and sit on the swing while the sun sets … by themself. They know what they want, but they don’t say it out loud. They hold it inside due to fear. Fear of looking selfish because they’d choose to put themself first. To put themself in front of their teens. Their husbands. And anyone else in their life. The message they’ve gotten is ‘good moms say yes.’ So, they say yes to everyone and everything. Even when they really mean no. Even when they’re running themselves into the ground and their tank is almost empty. This is the point at which I spoke to one of my clients last night. She wants to escape. She wants a vacation from her life. She’s run herself down and feels there’s nothing left to give. Because there’s not. There’s nothing to give because she’s given all. And for what? What has she gained by sacrificing herself for the whims and pleas of those she holds dear? Emptiness. Dissatisfaction. Resentment. And an acute sense that she MUST put herself at the top of the list or suffer to her ultimate detriment. So, why do mothers do this to themselves? Why do they struggle to put themself first? Why do they hear ‘put YOUR oxygen mask on before you place the mask on your child’ but do the exact opposite? It’s in their programming. It’s in the way they’ve been raised. And not just through their lifetime. It’s been there for centuries. It’s permeated civilizations and seeped into the female psyche. Women believe serving and helping others is altruistic. It’s holy. It makes them good and worthy. And so they do it with no thought of themselves. They put everyone and everything at the top as they willingly take their place at the bottom. And they’re applauded for doing so. They’re cheered for “sacrificing for others” and “putting others’ needs first.” They give off the vibe they’ve got it all together because the show they put on is poised and polished. But beneath the surface lurks the dangerous secret they’re afraid others will catch a glimpse of – the desire to be at the top of the list. To care for themself. To say no when they mean no and yes when they mean yes. To not cook dinner. To sit alone on the porch swing. To skip a ballgame or two. To allow only God-given hair colors. Being at the top of the list means they live their truth. Unapologetically. Without reservation, but with deep conviction and true love for self and others. My friend, it’s not only ok to say ‘no’ as a mother; it’s imperative you say ‘no’ as a mother. It’s the most loving thing you can do. Choose to speak your truth for you and your teen. It teaches them that you matter. That they matter. And that women matter. If you’re stuck in the trap of always giving at your own expense, I can help. I teach women the skills they need to thrive as mothers of teens. Reply to this email to learn more. Together we can escape the limbo of choosing to care for ourselves vs. caring for others. They’re NOT mutually exclusive. They can occur simultaneously, and when they do, magic happens! Women blossom into fulfilled and satisfied mothers. They engage from personal choice, not from outside obligation, and fill their tanks instead of depleting them. From here, there’s plenty to give, and no one goes without. Mothers that thrive raise teens that thrive. You can thrive as the mother of a teenager! I’d be honored to show you how. |
