Every Monday I open my calendar to moms that want help connecting with their teen. They wonder why the don’t have a connection with their teenagers?
They show up for their complimentary coaching call eager to get the assistance and support they need. They all have problems. Things they desperately want to fix. Things they know, once changed or corrected, will enhance their relationship with their teen.
They then proceed to tell me just how badly they desire connection. They express REALLY, REALLY wanting it, that it’s a top priority (like the air they breathe), and how committed they are to making it happen.
But then, when I tell them what they’ll need to invest to get it, most back down. They say, “No.” They shy away. They give up before they’ve even given themselves a chance to create what it is they’re telling me they want MORE than anything.
Why?
Because they’re confused.
They’ve been telling themselves they want connection with their teen. They’ve been telling themselves they want a better relationship. They’ve been telling themselves they want to stop arguing and start understanding, that they want to stop yelling and start listening. And yet, that’s all it is. It’s just a story they’ve told themselves over and over until they’ve believed it’s true. I know they genuinely believe they want to create a connection with their teen, but once offered what’ll get them EXACTLY what they’re longing for, they don’t take it.
They say “No” to investing in connection for four main reasons.
1. They want the easy fix.
Most of us want something for nothing. We want to lose weight without changing how we eat. We want a toned body without lifting weights. We want a clean house without raising a finger. We want more money without offering more value. We want to connect with our teens without having to do anything.
Honestly, most moms come to their complimentary coaching call hoping it will be simple. They want me to give them the answers so they can simply pass the test. They don’t want to go to class, learn the material, study every night, read the textbook, complete practice problems, finish the homework, and take the test. Nope, most moms just want the answers so they can get the “A” and move on to something else. (See, you’re more like your teen than you knew. ????)
My friend, it doesn’t work this way with connection. It doesn’t work this way when you’re creating a lasting, fun, and meaningful relationship with your teen. It just doesn’t. Connection isn’t simple and there’s not an easy fix. Trust me, I spent years searching for it.
2. They believe it should come naturally.
Moms believe that connection with their teens should be intuitive and instinctual. They think it should flow with ease and be effortless and available. They want it to be spontaneous and automatic. They believe it will just suddenly arrive one day and then it will be glorious. And so, they wait. They wait for the day they naturally figure out how to connect with their teen. Because if it doesn’t come naturally, they’re afraid of what it means about them as a mother. ‘I’m a bad mom. I’ve failed. Something’s wrong with me.’ They’d rather live without connection than face their own self-judgment head-on.
My friend, connection doesn’t come naturally. If it did, we’d all have it, and we don’t. But it is something we CAN have if we genuinely want it. Connection is so special and transcendent that it requires a big investment before it can transform us and become natural and effortless.
3. They believe they’re already doing what it takes to create connection and it doesn’t work.
Many mothers believe they ARE investing in connection because they’re spending a LOT of time thinking (aka spinning) about their teen and their relationship:
- what’s wrong, what’s right;
- what needs to change, what can stay the same;
- what should be, what shouldn’t be.
They believe all of this thinking is fixing things and solving problems. They believe they’re working to create exactly what they tell themselves they want so badly. They believe they’re improving their relationship and committed to connection because it’s on their mind ALL THE TIME. They’re convinced this constant thinking is what makes relationships better and creates connection. But since they believe this and it’s NOT creating connection, they also believe it doesn’t work. And if it doesn’t work, then why try? I mean, really? Why try if I can’t make it work?
But this, again, simply isn’t true. This spinning type of unintentional thinking feels productive, but it is NOT making your relationship better. If it were, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be seeking out solutions to your connection issues. You’d already have them solved. So, if you’re believing the time and energy spent in unconscious thinking proves your commitment and investment to connection, it doesn’t. In fact, it’s why you’re believing you don’t need to invest in it because you’re believing you’re already doing it and it’s NOT working.
BUT, my friend, investing in connection DOES work. It’s worked for me and it works for my clients, but it will require more of you than just frazzled, sporadic, and repetitive thought spinouts.
4. They’re unwilling to invest one of three things that are required to create connection.
The things in our lives that really matter to us…we invest in. Specifically, we willingly and eagerly invest three of our most important and valuable resources: our time, our minds, and our money. Yes, ALL three of these must be present in any investment. Let me show you.
You invested in your college education:
- Time – Four years at college/university going to classes, studying, tutoring, making flashcards, reading textbooks, writing notes, writing papers, completing projects, study groups, working at a job to support yourself
- Mind – Listening in class, taking notes, reading textbooks, memorizing data, questioning information, debating with peers, repeating, studying, reviewing, learning, practicing, taking quizzes and tests, completing homework, meditation
- Money – Paying for tuition, fees, textbooks, notebooks, binders, paper, pens, pencils, calculator, housing, food, tutors, clothing
You invested in your marriage/spouse:
- Time – Months and even years spent dating (meals, movies, playing games, sports, outdoor activities), talking on the phone, texting, hanging out, traveling, meeting and being with each other’s families, talking, laughing, getting to know each other, gushing over them with your closest friends
- Mind – Listening to their voice, thinking of them, planning, forgiving, understanding, envisioning your future together, focusing on the good, giving them the benefit of the doubt
- Money – Paying for dates, meals, movies, gifts, travel, flowers, engagement rings, wedding, honeymoon, apartment/home
You wouldn’t have earned your degree OR be married to your spouse if you had chosen to leave out ONE of the THREE necessary investments. Imagine getting your degree without investing your time? Your mind? Your money? It wouldn’t work. You wouldn’t have a degree and you wouldn’t be married. It’s the same with everything you invest in.
You’ve also likely invested in your career, home, furniture, cars, kids, body, clothing, beauty, skin, health, religion, politics, cell phone, computer, and so much more. ALL of these things require an investment of your time, your mind, and your money. You willingly invest in each of these because of the perceived benefit it offers you in your life.
And yet, when it comes to connection, when it comes to creating an intimate, close, connected relationship with our teens, we back away. We tell ourselves we really want it, that we’re committed to it, that there’s nothing that matters more to us, and yet, we don’t put our money where our mouth is. Pardon the cliche, but it’s true.
At the end of most of my complimentary coaching calls, I ask moms, “If you could walk into Target today and see a package on the shelf that promises EXACTLY what you’re longing for: a lasting, fun, and meaningful connection with your teen, 100% GUARANTEED, how much would you pay for it?” They all say, “It’s priceless. I can’t put a price on it. It’s everything to me.” And yet, they leave the package on the shelf. They turn and walk away. They choose NOT to invest in connection. They choose NOT to invest in the one thing they tell themselves matters most.
And I get it. I really do. For years I told myself I was committed to parenting my teen better, that I was ‘learning’ and ‘figuring it out’. I felt committed because I was constantly thinking about problems, spending inordinate amounts of time detailing the faults of my teen, spinning through possible outcomes and worst-case scenarios, waiting for the connection to appear, searching for answers and strategies online, and bonding with venting moms in FB groups over teen frustrations. Yes, BECAUSE I was doing all of this, I believed I was creating change and I was invested in connection. The truth is I was invested in telling myself I was invested, but I REALLY wasn’t invested.
None of what I did was useful. How do I know? Because it didn’t create the result I wanted. It didn’t create a connection with my teenager. It created momentary change, sometimes a temporary fix, a brief positive vibe amongst the plethora of negativity that otherwise consumed me. But it didn’t create connection. It didn’t change me, my teen, or our relationship. And so I continued to lie and tell myself I was invested so I could feel just a little bit better about myself in the moment.
So, what prompted me to finally and truly invest in connection? Desperation, misery, and hitting absolute rock bottom. I could no longer pretend by putting band-aids on wounds that were gushing blood. My relationships were falling apart and I knew it was do-or-die. I didn’t want to die, so I ‘did’. I intentionally committed to figuring it all out, no matter what, by investing my mind, time, and money. And then I took it a step further — because I tend to be a bit of a high achiever — I envisioned myself creating deeply intimate, connected relationships that would be the envy of everyone I knew. Yep, and you know what? I did. And I have. And because I have I’ve been dubbed the “Queen of Connection” by my coaching peers and those who know me best. In total, I’ve invested 5+ years, countless hours of thought work, and over $25,000. I’ve mastered connection.That’s why I’m offering connection to you here. Because it’s so good and so fun and I want every mom to know the pure, transcendent JOY of true connection with their teen.
If connection is something you genuinely seek, be honest with yourself AND invest in it. Go all in. With your time, your mind, and your money. Hire a coach to help you get there. I don’t care if it’s me or someone else. Give yourself the gift of connection. Stop procrastinating, stop waiting for it to magically appear, and stop lying to yourself. And if you don’t want to invest in connection, be honest in your own mind. Stop telling yourself you prioritize something you really don’t. You’ll feel so much better if you live your truth.
Connection, my friend, is waiting for YOU. Are you ready to invest?
