If you missed Suicide, Your Teen, and You – Part 1, click here, Part 2, click here.
Suicide is preventable.
It’s preventable because it’s not ‘the’ problem. It’s a perceived solution to ‘the’ problem. If a human deems a problem they’re experiencing to be unsolvable – meaning they intently believe there is no way to figure it out, no way to work through it, no way to fix it – they often turn to suicide as the remedy.
Suicide seems the ultimate solution for a human with an unsolvable problem.
Imagine how it would feel to truly and deeply believe you have a problem that is utterly and completely unsolvable. Imagine being at the end of your rope, having tried this and that, and that and this, over and over again to make things better, but to no avail. To no change. No matter what you do, no matter what you try, nothing works. Nothing soothes your pain, nothing eases the burden, nothing lessens your worry or calms your fears. The unimaginable becomes not only imaginable but the reality of your daily living. It haunts you. Envelopes you. And places its heaviness upon you. You feel lost, desperate, and hopeless as you live this truth. You believe there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can fix or change or remedy what ails you. Nothing can fill your emptiness and so you lose yourself in it. You allow it to swallow you as you slowly release the last remaining sparks of your will to live. You succumb to the agony of your inability to solve the problem as you consider suicide. An out, an ending, a solution that offers relief to all your suffering, despair, and hopelessness.
This, my friend, is what it’s like for someone that’s considering suicide. They’re hopeless because they believe they have an unsolvable problem. They’re not messed up or toxic or someone you need to avoid. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. When someone is contemplating ending their life … they need YOU. YOU can help prevent the tragedy of suicide.
For too long, talking about suicide has been looked down upon in our society. There’s a powerful and potent stigma that seems to prevent and prohibit us from having the open kind of discussions that are so necessary for preventing it. Not only is discussing suicide openly uncommon, but those who express having suicidal ideations are often shunned, ridiculed, and rejected. One of my heart-felt goals in doing this series was to educate you about suicide in a way that empowers you to be one of the few that isn’t just willing to talk about it, but one of the few that’s willing to step up and face the stigma to help someone in need.
It’s time to bring suicide out of the shadows and talk comfortably about it. And so today I’d like to arm you with the knowledge and tools you need to help your teen (or anyone in your life) through a suicidal crisis. I want you to know that if people get the help they need, they will probably never be suicidal again. Yes, it’s true and you can be the instrument through which that help reaches them. Don’t worry. This isn’t going to be hard or difficult. It’s going to be a simple step-by-step process anyone can follow and it will save a life.
Let me begin by pointing out some important truths about suicide:
- The majority of humans considering or contemplating suicide hint at what they’re feeling. The hints might be direct or indirect and may include verbal cues, behavioral cues, and situational cues. They might also use coded messages or vague actions to express what they’re experiencing, but they will share their truth in some way.
- Watch for common indirect phrases: “I’m tired of life. I just can’t go on. Who cares if I’m dead anyway. I won’t be around much longer. My family would be better off without me. Pretty soon you won’t have to worry about me.”
- Watch for common direct phrases: “I wish I were dead. I’ve decided to kill myself. I’m going to end it all. If …(such and such)… doesn’t happen, I’ll just die.”
- Watch for behavioral cues: Presence of depression, moodiness, hopelessness, irritability or anger; Putting personal affairs in order; Giving away prized possessions; Sudden interest or disinterest in religion; Drug or alcohol abuse; Talking or writing about committing suicide; Noticeable changes in sleeping or eating habits; Drastic personality change; Desperate pleas for attention, support, or love; Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge; Withdrawing or isolating oneself
- Watch for situation clues: Loss of major relationship; Death of a loved one or friend; Sudden loss of freedom/fear of punishment; Fear of becoming a burden to others; Being fired or expelled; Anticipated loss of financial security
- An online screening is one of the quickest and easiest ways to determine whether you or someone you know/love are experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition. Mental Health America offers a variety of free screenings on its website. Click here to access their mental health tests.
- We are only responsible to do something that we know how to do when it needs to be done. We shouldn’t feel guilty for something we didn’t know how to do.
- You can’t put the idea of suicide into one’s mind. Talking about it won’t cause it or create it.
- Most people communicate their intent sometime during the week preceding their attempt.
- Suicide is the MOST preventable kind of death and almost any positive action may save a life.
So, what is the step-by-step process you should follow if you witness what you believe may be a warning sign of suicide in someone? There are many methodologies out there and I’ve learned and studied several of them, but my favorite and I believe the most simple to remember and apply is the QPR method. You can access and learn more about the QPR suicide prevention program at www.qprinstitute.com
The goal of QPR is to offer hope through positive action by following three simple steps. It’s based on findings that show asking someone directly about suicidal intent lowers anxiety, opens up communication, and lessens the risk of an impulsive act. Here are the three steps:
- Question them: If you notice any of the warning signs or believe for any reason that someone is considering or contemplating suicide, DON’T WAIT, ask the question. Ask them about suicide. It really doesn’t matter how you phrase it, but two direct choices include ‘”Are you thinking about killing yourself?” and “I wonder if you’re thinking about suicide?” If a more indirect approach feels more comfortable to you, try “Have you been thinking about ending your life?”, “Do you ever feel hopeless?”, “Do you ever wish you weren’t here?”, or “Do you wish you could go to sleep and never wake up?” Any question is better than not asking the question at all. Ensure you talk to the person in a private setting and allow them to speak freely. Do not interrupt them. Give them plenty of time to express themself. Based on their responses, continue to ask open-ended questions that offer them more opportunities to express what they’re going through and feeling. Listening can save a life.
- Persuade them to stay alive and seek help: This is your chance to offer them HOPE. Remember, their belief that they have an unsolvable problem has left them hopeless. You simply need to offer hope in any form. “I want you to live”, “I’m on your side”, or “We’ll get through this together” are possibilities that will cut through their isolation. By being present, by listening, by empathizing, and truly hearing them, you offer them hope. You show them you care. You show them you’re there for them. You show them how much they’re loved. You show them you care about what happens to them. Caring can save a life. Do not rush to judgment. Passing judgment stops the conversation. Even if you don’t understand or agree with what they’re expressing, do not judge them, do not attempt to fix the problem, or try to rationalize them out of it. This is not a time for judgment and it’s NOT about you and what you think. This is about them. Listen intently to what they share, give them your full attention, and hold space as you allow them to be exactly as they are. Any time you keep a suicidal person talking with an open-minded question – you’re gaining ground.
- Refer them for help: Remember, they believe they cannot be helped. Once they’ve stopped sharing, you offer to get them the help they need, by saying, “Will you let me go with you to get help?” or “Will you let me help you get help?” Let them know you’re not leaving them to deal with this situation alone. Let them know you’re willing to stay by their side and get them the help they need. If they’re not in your presence, ask questions to ensure you know where they are so you can get help to them. Be sure to share this information if/when you call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Referring can save a life. The best referral is taking the person directly to someone who can help (a counselor, a doctor, a hospital, etc). The next best referral is getting their commitment to accept help and then making the arrangements for them. Any willingness to accept help at some time, even if in the future, is a good outcome. You can also suggest, “Is there a family member that needs to know how much pain you’re in?” By doing this, you continue to offer a safety net of people who love and care about them. This safety net offers them hope and hope prevents suicide. Your willingness to question, persuade, and refer can rekindle hope and make all the difference.
Since almost all efforts to persuade someone to live instead of attempt suicide will be met with agreement and relief, please don’t hesitate to get involved or take the lead. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid that you can’t or won’t do it right. NONE of that matters. What matters is your willingness to do something. To say something. To step in and help someone who’s desperately hopeless and lost. Ask the question. Offer them hope. Offer to listen. Offer to refer them. By offering, you can save a life. And if you’re in doubt or wondering if you should ask … ASK. It never hurts or harms to ask (remember you can’t put the idea of suicide in their mind), so please error on the side of caution and ASK.
Remember, suicide is not a problem. It’s a solution to a perceived unsolvable problem. You can save someone from hopelessness. Question, Persuade, and Refer. Three simple steps.
You CAN save a life,
