How are you tolerating your teen? Should you be?
This morning I saw the following post in a mom of teens Facebook group:
“I just don’t know how to be around my sixteen-year-old daughter anymore. She used to be so sweet and kind. Now she is so disrespectful to me, and it’s wearing me down. If I ask a simple question, all hell breaks loose. I am so tired emotionally of her. I want to discuss the issue, but also don’t want WWII. Any advice?”
A mother responded:
“Hang in there – it gets better once they near 18. 🤗”
Seriously? This is NOT advice, my friend. In fact, it’s something far more cynical and destructive than you might even imagine.
So, let’s call it what it is. Toleration Syndrome. It’s one mother telling another she must sit back and endure her life because she can’t improve her life.
Do you see it?
She believes this mother is powerless to make her situation better. Helpless to her daughter’s behavior. Incapable of thriving with a teenager. And so, ALL this mother can do is survive the next two years until her daughter turns 18.
It’s a message to give up. To give in. And to settle.
To settle for FAR less than what she wants. FAR less than she deserves. And FAR less than what she’s capable of creating.
It’s ridiculous. And it fires me up.
Imagine if a mother in a mom of babies Facebook group wrote:
“I just don’t know how to be around my baby. She pooped in her diaper and now it stinks. It’s oozing up her back and down her legs. The disgusting odor is wearing me down. She cries and cries. I am so tired emotionally of her. Any advice?”
Now consider a response like, “Hang in there – it gets better once they’re toddlers. 🤗”
NO ONE would respond this way. NO ONE would tell the mother to tolerate the poopy diaper and NO ONE would allow the baby to stay in a poopy diaper crying all day.
What we WOULD DO is recognize the mom is missing the skill of changing a diaper and we’d ensure she learned how. We’d post a link to a video tutorial or find someone who lives near her to help. But we would NEVER tell her to sit back and WAIT for the baby to grow older.
Do you feel this is a slap in the face from one mother to another? It is and it’s terrible.
In only a few short words, one woman sealed another mother’s fate. She agreed with her view that life sucks with a teenager. She agreed there’s NOTHING she can do to change it but wait for time to pass.
In doing this, she condemned her to an awful state of misery with no chance of improving her relationship with her daughter.
My friend, you don’t have to look far to find someone who’d like you to believe that teenagers are a plague and surviving them is all you can do. They tell you to put your head down and try your best to simply make it through. I bought their “teens just have to be tolerated” lie for years. Arguing, disrespect, backtalk, eye rolls, slammed doors, yelling matches. All of it seemed part of the deal. Part of raising a teenager. I became tired and miserable under the burden of tolerating. Soon, making it through the day was more than I could bear. I became desperate and searched for help. Eventually discovering the truth that set me free.
NONE of this was a necessary part of the deal.
Not tolerating. Not waiting. Not arguing. Not disrespect. Raising a teenager didn’t have to be this way. None of these things were inherent in having a teen.
I didn’t need to sit back and wait for my kids to age out of teenagehood so I could enjoy a relationship with them. So I could enjoy living my life.
No! I wasn’t powerless or helpless to create the change I was seeking. I did have a choice. I did have control. I could decide what raising a teenager would look like. And I decided to make it look GOOD! So I did. And it does. 😍 And you can too. 😉
You too can have the relationship with your teen that you’re longing for. And you don’t need to wait around to have it. It can be yours now. Is all it takes is seven skills. Seven skills to a connected, fun, and meaningful relationship with your teen. I teach these skills in CONNECTeen, my group coaching program for moms. The next group begins in July. You can reply to this email if you’re interested in learning more.
My friend, the teen years ARE the BEST years. Don’t miss them because you’re tolerating what you DO have the power to change.
