Living with a defensive teen? Let me show you how that can change,
My youngest daughter stepped into the car after school and immediately blurted out, “I want Cafe Rio. I know dad’s planning to make burgers, but I want Cafe Rio for dinner.”
It wasn’t hard to figure out what she wanted. I got it loud and clear — Cafe Rio for dinner. But I had NO intention of getting that for dinner. As a family, we’d made plans on Sunday and agreed to have family burger night on Monday. I knew it. And she knew it too.
I lovingly smiled at her as I began to pull away from the curb. “Ahhh, you want Cafe Rio. Cafe Rio IS super delicious and I know how much you love it. I love it too. It sounds pretty amazing right now. Doesn’t it? I love their burritos with pico. Mmmmm! I’m so hungry after a long day. I bet you are too! I get why’d you want to have it for dinner, but, unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. Tonight is burger night. Remember? We’ve planned to have a family dinner and enjoy a wonderful meal together. Would you like to plan our next trip to Cafe Rio?”
She paused, thought about what I’d said, and then responded, “Yes, and can it be soon? I really want Cafe Rio. We haven’t had it in FOREVER! Dad’s burgers are pretty good too. I can’t wait. I’m sooooo hungry!”
I never used to have conversations like this with my teenagers. Years ago things were so, so different. Why? Because I struggled to keep my cool. If my teens said anything that seemed ridiculous, obvious, crazy, or downright and obviously WRONG, I would fly off the handle and completely freak out! I’d rise to defend myself against them. I’d show them how mistaken they were and how crazy they must be to think I would give in to their unceasing requests, weighty demands, and obnoxious antics.
My responses were more like, “No, we’re NOT getting Cafe Rio. You know we’re having burgers. We talked about this yesterday. It’s family burger night. Besides, we can’t afford to eat out every night. What do you think we are…made of money or something? I just wish you’d learn to be grateful for what you have.”
Yes, my friend, that’s how it used to go in our household. Situation after situation. Slightly different words, but the same overall message – I’m right. You’re wrong.
This relentless vibe I created drove us to always be on the defensive. We were constantly trying to protect ourselves by defeating each other. It felt helpful and necessary. Like I needed to prove I had the power. My teens needed to know I was in control.
The funny thing is the opposite was actually true. When I behaved that way and defended myself against my teenager, I wasn’t in control. I lost all my power when I acted that way. I was unknowingly sacrificing my ability to use my influence to impact my teen. Instead of them respecting me and my parental authority, they retaliated. They pushed back. They fought harder, became meaner, and rebelled more.
I changed it all when I learned to stay calm no matter what. No matter what my teenager said. No matter what my teenager did. There I was. Calm. In control. Centered. Present. Attentive. Mastering this important step took time. It took effort and practice and diligence. But it paid off. Soon our interactions sounded less like heated arguments and more like peaceful conversations.
From there, we began to understand each other and I set out to acquire more valuable parenting skills. I’d mastered the ability to stay calm. I no longer felt triggered to defend myself, but I still didn’t know how to diffuse my teen’s defensiveness. Until I acquired the skill of Reflective Validation.
Reflective Validation acknowledges and affirms what your teenager is experiencing. It validates their thinking and their feelings – showing them you understand what they’re going through. This must happen BEFORE you say or do anything else. Even if your teen is dead wrong. Even if they should know what they’re asking is ridiculous. Even if you’re not going to give them what they want. Even if your spouse is fed up with their behavior and wants to put them in their place. You must FIRST validate your teenager through reflective statements. When you do this, they feel seen and heard. Immediately their defensiveness will drop. Their walls will come down and you’ll gain access to use your influence to create the change you’re desperately wanting to see.
My friend, when my daughter demanded Cafe Rio, I stayed calm. I controlled myself. From there, I was able to use Reflective Validation to acknowledge what she was experiencing. I didn’t need to criticize her desire. I didn’t need to argue about food. I didn’t need to prove my power. I simply needed to meet her where she was — a new 7th grader at a new junior high school. Having survived a long day of obeying teacher instructions, trying to fit in with friends, and simply needing comfort food to make everything feel better. That’s it. That’s all she wanted was for me to witness who she was and what she was going through. And when I did that, her defensiveness dissipated and conversation flowed freely.
If you’re longing to have meaningful conversations with your teenager you must stay calm and use Reflective Validation. I teach these skills and many more in CONNECTeen, my group coaching program for moms. Registration opens tomorrow. A quick reply to this email will ensure you’re on the list to receive the details.
When you diffuse defensiveness, you create room for conversation AND connection. You can do this, my friend, I’ll gladly show you how.
