Explaining yourself to your teen is optional. Let me tell you why.
Your teen knows the rule.
No phone in their bedroom at night.
But you wake at 2 a.m. with a ‘feeling’ you just can’t shake. You walk to their room and find them staring at their phone. “What ‘ya doing?” you ask, startling them from a trance.
“Sheesh, mom! You scared me to death. I’m not doing anything. Uh, a friend texted me and I, um, needed to help them.”
“Really? You’re helping a friend? At 2 a.m.?”
“Seriously, mom? You never trust me. You’re SO dumb.”
“I’m SO dumb? You’re the one that’s NOT supposed to have your phone in your room. That’s the rule. And you agreed to it. Give me the phone!”
“No! None of my friends have to put their phones up at night. Their moms don’t take them away. Or look at them. What do you think I’m doing anyway?
“I don’t know. Looking ….”
“Looking at porn? You always think I’m doing something bad. ‘Cause, you think I’m a bad kid. I’m so sick of this. Why do you have to have such lame rules?”
THIS is the moment moms believe they need to explain. They believe they need to justify their rules. So they do.
“We have rules …”
Moms launch into a detailed and lengthy “Here’s why we have rules” explanation. They plunge into the purpose of the rules and what they’re meant to do. But they don’t stop there. Since their teenager isn’t buying it, they feel inclined to explain and justify more and more and more. And still, their teen questions them. Near wit’s end, they resort to shoving the blame on their teen, “If you did what I said, we wouldn’t even need rules. This is all your fault!”
Moms allow these explaining episodes to go on and on. They truly believe they’ll convince their teen to come to their side and agree with them. They’re hoping their teen will look them in the eyes and say, “You’re SO right, mom. I’m grateful you took the time to explain it to me. Now I see why we have rules. I totally get it! I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Please take my phone whenever you need to. Thank you for loving me and having rules to keep me safe. You’re the best!”
But, my friend, these are words said NO teenager EVER. (Not even mine. 😉) Especially after a lengthy explanation of rules.
Please know your explanation will NEVER satisfy what’s driving them to question you. They’ll never give up or give in. They’ll push. They’ll pry. They’ll inquire and battle until they have you right where they want you — at your breaking point. And then there’s nothing left to say or do so you blow up. You lose. They win.
My friend, this is what will happen if you explain. Always. So don’t do it.
You do NOT need to explain yourself to your teen. In fact, doing so puts you in a one-down and them in a one-up position. This is NOT what you want with your teenager. You want your teen to know you’re in charge. You’re the authority. You mean firm and friendly business. Showing up this way will fill your home with the perfect balance of nurture and structure. Allowing your teen to know the boundaries while also knowing they’re unconditionally loved.
So, next time you have a rule and your teen makes a choice, you walk in and simply say, “No phone in your bedroom at night. Please hand me the phone.”
“But mom, it’s so dumb.”
“I know, I know, but no phone in your bedroom at night. Please hand me the phone.”
Your teenager can argue, question, freak out, call you names, compare you to their friends’ moms, even wish death upon you if they’d like 😏, and you do NOT explain yourself.
You repeat the rule twice and then you say nothing. You get the phone and walk out.
Trust me. Firm and friendly business works. I’ve been parenting this way for years. It’s invited my teens to both respect and revere me. We’ve never been closer, happier, or more connected. Learning to magnify my influence has transformed our family. You can magnify your influence too. It’s one of the steps on your way to a fun and meaningful relationship with your teen. I teach these steps in my CONNECTeen group coaching program. There’s a spot waiting for you. Reply to this email to learn how.
There will never be an explanation — no matter how precise or persuasive or well thought out — that’ll convince your teen to agree with you when a rule’s been broken. My friend, it’s time you stop explaining.
