No matter what happens outside of us, we feel because we think.
We feel because of WHAT we think.
Knowing what we’re thinking is crucial in understanding the relationship between our thoughts and feelings. We gain awareness about our thinking by becoming the watcher of our thoughts–in effect we’re thinking about what we’re thinking about. Our thinking is made up of sentences or words that are put together in sentence form to add meaning to our world. Our thinking allows us to interpret, interact with, and internalize the circumstances around us. Gaining awareness begins with noticing the sentences that repeat in our minds.
I tasked you with gaining this awareness in last week’s email so the teachings you learn today would make more sense. Since then, Coronavirus has become a circumstance (a fact in the world) most of us are experiencing, so that will be what I base our discussion on. Let’s go!
There are FACTS in the world.
There is a Coronavirus outbreak. People have died from Coronavirus. Schools are closed. Sports are canceled. Teens are home. Adults are home. The U.S. government has asked people to wash their hands and avoid being in large groups.
These circumstances, facts that exist in the world, offer us opportunities to have thoughts. Circumstances CAN trigger thoughts. Circumstances give us opportunities to perceive, interact, and interpret the world through our very particular and personal lens. We internalize our circumstances through our thoughts. This is the only way circumstances impact us.
Humans have THOUGHTS about FACTS to add meaning to them.
China is so far away.
It’s not going to affect me.
We’re going to be fine.
Now it’s in my state.
We’re all going to die from the Coronavirus.
My teens are never going back to school.
This is going to last forever.
Everybody being home just doesn’t work.
This is too much together time.
My boys shouldn’t look at screens all day.
They need a schedule.
Yes, a colorful, organized, detailed-to-the-hour schedule will work.
We’re going to run out of food.
We’re not going to make it.
Keeping them on a routine is best.
They just want to relax.
I can’t do everything in the house.
We’ve had lots of arguments.
Everybody else can do a schedule, but I can’t.
Video games are not good for my kids.
My kids will earn toilet paper squares by doing chores.
They should be able to clean up after themselves.
I wish my teens could just be nice to each other.
Maybe I should lock myself in my room.
Somebody make this all STOP.
These thoughts, these sentences our brains create to add meaning to our experiences, are personal to us. Our thinking is personalized to us and us alone. It’s our perspective, our opinion, our viewpoint. This is because thoughts are subjective….they change from person to person. Our sentences are different than the person sitting next to us, even when experiencing the same circumstance. Notice HOW MANY people are experiencing the circumstances I detailed above and then notice HOW MANY different opinions you’re hearing on the news, on social media, and in your own home. No two human brains think identically. This is the beauty of thinking. It’s unique to us and makes us special in every sense of the word. Like 60,000-thoughts-per-day unique. Pretty cool.
Our THOUGHTS create our FEELINGS.
Think a thought and you experience a feeling. Feelings are subjective, just like thoughts. That means people can be thinking the same thought and experience different feelings. Thoughts don’t create the same feeling for everyone.
Say the following thoughts out loud. What feeling do these thoughts create for you? I’ve offered some suggestions based on the feelings they created for me.
China is so far away. = Relief
It’s not going to affect me. = Peace
We’re going to be fine. = Calm
Now it’s in my state. = Alarmed
We’re all going to die from the Coronavirus. = Panic
My teens are never going back to school. = Fear
This is going to last forever. = Dread
Everybody being home just doesn’t work. = Stress
This is too much together time. = Agitated
My boys shouldn’t look at screens all day. = Angry
They need a schedule. = Determined
Yes, a colorful, organized, detailed-to-the-hour schedule will work. = Motivated
We’re going to run out of food. = Fearful
We’re not going to make it. = Uncertain
Keeping them on a routine is best. = Certain
They just want to relax. = Understanding
I can’t do everything in the house. = Overwhelmed
We’ve had lots of arguments. = Upset
Everybody else can do a schedule, but I can’t. = Shame
Video games are not good for my kids. = Troubled
My kids will earn toilet paper squares by doing chores. = Creative
They should be able to clean up after themselves. = Irritated
I wish my teens could just be nice to each other. = Annoyed
Maybe I should lock myself in my room. = Cranky
Somebody make this all STOP. = Hopeless
Every thought, every sentence our brains think, sends a message that notifies specific parts of our brains to release chemicals, neurotransmitters, that flow through our bodies. This flooding of chemicals is how humans experience feelings. In the simplest of terms, feelings (emotions, different name, same concept) are chemical vibrations we experience or feel in our bodies.
Feelings always have a one-word name: happy, angry, mad, sad. These are the feelings most of us easily identify and recognize, but there are LOTS of emotions. Becoming familiar with and understanding the feelings you experience begins with giving them a name. Once you’ve discovered what you’re feeling (troubled, confident, cranky, excited), then you can begin the process of understanding how you personally experience that feeling in your body. Each feeling has a unique signature, an exclusive or particular way that your body feels it. Learning to identify and differentiate between feelings is a valuable skill we rarely invest our time in, but it is a vital first step in creating emotional balance and emotional well-being as a human.
Humans are mindful of the circumstances around us AND we’re aware of how we feel. What we’re NOT cognizant of is the sentences in our brains that are nestled snuggly BETWEEN our circumstances and our feelings. We’re NOT aware that it’s our own thinking, our own brains that are interpreting one to create the other. We point fingers at the world: to the virus, to the schools closing, to the news, to our teens, in an effort to explain how we feel. If they were just different, if they were just not saying and doing what they are, then we wouldn’t be feeling the way we are.
Our human language even has us expressing this common belief (circumstances create feelings) as though it were fact. “She makes me mad”, “What he said really irritated me”, “I want to explode when people do that”, “She should know that upsets me”, “He always hurts my feelings”, and on and on. We hear language like this from an early age from our most beloved caregivers, “Did he hurt your feelings? I’m so sorry, honey. I’ll make you feel better.” These words sink into our minds and we begin to add these preferred sentence structures to the way we speak with such conviction we prove to ourselves from our earliest years that the outside world creates our feelings. This belief sinks deeper and deeper as we age and mature. We notice when people are kind to us we feel happy, when things go our way we’re happy, and when life is what we want it to be, you guessed it, we’re happy. We notice the flip side too. When people are unkind to us we feel upset, when things don’t go our way we’re upset, and when life isn’t what we want it to be, we’re upset. All of this “evidence” supports our belief that circumstances create our feelings. We’ve proven it true in our mind so we carry it with us and live through it.
The problem is…we were completely wrong. Our caregivers were wrong. Our friends were wrong. All of us were wrong. All of it was and is untrue. Circumstances don’t create feelings. Thoughts do. Imagine for a minute the emotional overload you would experience if EVERYTHING outside of you created a feeling in your body. Your desk, your computer, your chair, walls, blinds, books, carpet, trees, leaves (every.single.leaf), people (every.single.person). There is NO WAY we would be able to survive as humans if circumstances created our feelings. We’d ALL experience emotional overwhelm and mayhem inside ourselves EVERY minute of EVERY day if that were true. Luckily, whew, it’s NOT true.
Hopefully you’re beginning to see that you’re responsible for how you feel. You might be understanding it intellectually (getting it as a concept or theory), but allowing it to permeate deep into your being, down inside till you’re transformed through and through, that’s where true transformation exists. That’s where freedom from controlling the world exists. That’s where you willingly embrace that YOU create every feeling you experience in your body by how you think about the circumstances in the world. It takes practice, patience, and determination to unlearn what you’ve spent decades fine-tuning and believing. But, I am living proof, it can be done. I, in my 40’s, have completely reprogrammed my mind. I have reshaped my entire existence by TRULY internalizing what I’m teaching you here.
If I did it, you can do it too.
No matter what happens outside of us, we feel because we think.
We feel because of WHAT we think.
We want to feel good. We want to feel better.
We’re driven by our desire to feel.
Your work this week is to take responsibility for your feelings AND discover what you’re feeling by understanding what’s going on in your body. Use the following questions to gain powerful insight:
What circumstance (person, situation) do I believe is causing my feeling?
Describe how they are “making” you feel?
Describe why you think they/it have/has the power to control your feelings in this way.
What is the thought you’re thinking that’s really causing this feeling?
Can you see it’s the thought and not the circumstance causing the feeling?
How might you take responsibility for your feelings in the future?
What am I feeling now? Give it a one-word name.
If I’m not sure what I’m feeling, what can I do to improve my awareness?
What might be holding me back from feeling? Do feelings make me uncomfortable? Why?
Where is the feeling in my body? Do I recognize its unique signature? Detail it.
What are the feelings I experience often?
What do I notice about my feelings?
Next week we’ll focus on allowing our emotions, instead of resisting, avoiding, or reacting to them.
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
