“You still haven’t finished my room.”
“Ya, well, it’s been nine months and we still haven’t decorated my room.”
You know when you’ve REALLY been meaning to do something, but you just haven’t gotten around to it. It’s not that it doesn’t matter to you or you don’t care about it. It’s just one of those things that gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list for this reason or that.
Well, this is me with updating my middle daughter’s bedroom. We’d agreed back in 2019 that it was time for a more mature, ‘big-girl’ look for her bedroom. She was ‘so over’ having matching bedrooms with her little sister. She’d outgrown the fun of ‘matchy, matchy’ much to my chagrin and wishful thinking that it might continue indefinitely (a mom can dream, right?). So, last December we set about looking for new bedding and decor to freshen her room and give her the teenage-look she was dreaming of. Luckily we hit the jackpot and found almost everything she’d been wanting. Her Christmas was gleeful as she unwrapped and celebrated her stylish new belongings. At the end of the day, she carefully carried them to her room. They sat in the corner for…well, I’m not sure I remember how long…but let’s just say it was a long time. At some point, she must have given up on me and put everything into her closet. Well, not everything. We did get her new double bed and mattress outfitted with the new sheets and bedspread. But, all the other decor she’d tucked away in her closet. Seemingly forgotten to me, but likely a daily reminder to her that I still hadn’t taken the time to complete a project I’d promised her months and months before.
It’s now October 6, 2020. Today we completed her room. Nine+ months from the day we began. I spent the day with her, alone in her bedroom. 5+ hours. Just her and I. We pulled all the decor items out of the closet and placed them on the floor. We stared at them. We looked at the walls. I presumed from her deafening silence that she was overwhelmed so I cautiously offered suggestions. Once I began to organize and group things, she became engaged. She expressed her opinions, her preferences. She knew what she wanted to go where. She knew what she liked and didn’t like. As we began hanging items, we realized we needed just a few more things. I went ‘shopping’ through the house and discovered some unused pieces that matched her decor and style. She was thrilled when I returned with them, but we still couldn’t get one wall to ‘work’. No matter what we tried, it felt unbalanced and off. Until suddenly the pieces fell into place and her gallery wall was complete. She looked her room over, glanced at me, smiled, and said, “Perfect, mom.”
It was at that moment I should have been joyfully happy, but I wasn’t. I was content, grateful even, but there was a pang of remorse. Why? Because I had put it off, pushed it aside, and procrastinated this moment for MONTHS. Nine+ months to be exact. And for what? To fold laundry. To clean house. To scroll social media. To write another email. To text a friend. To watch a movie. To work on my business. NONE of which matters more to me than my daughter. None.
So, in that moment I had to face myself. I had to face months of my having chosen to do other things besides helping her complete her room. I had to face my pain. My truth. My choices. My realization of what could have been. It was uncomfortable. I began to recognize I was trying to help myself feel better by continually asking her while tidying up if she ‘liked her room’, to which she kindly repeated every time, “Yes, mom.”
And so tonight, I sit here documenting this for me and for you. For me, because I want my thoughts, feelings, actions, and results to be exposed. To me. I want to see them. I want to question them. I want to relive months of moments and decisions and choices. I want to see how I got where I am today. I want to figure out how I get somewhere different tomorrow. I want to learn and grow and transform. I want to improve for the next time. I have no desire to beat myself up. That’s not what this is about. I want this to be an opportunity to reflect and learn.
For you, because I know you’re a lot like me. You love your teenager. Deeply. So powerfully in fact sometimes it’s hard to express your love with anything but streaming tears. I understand what it’s like to love someone so much you’d do anything for them. Yes, anything, anywhere, anytime, and yet, the tiny nuances and busyness of life often tear you away and keep you from doing everything BUT that which you care about the most. I get it, my friend. I really do. Life is full of should-do’s and must-do’s and to-do’s and obligations and duties and…well, we could live our whole lives and never get everything done. This is WHY I’m writing to you.
Your teenager needs your time. One-on-one. Just you and them. Together. Doing something they want. Something they’ve chosen. Something that adds value and meaning to their life and their world. They need to know you value them. You see them. That you desire to spend quality time with them doing exactly what they want.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve spent a LOT of time with this particular daughter over the last nine months. LOTS of valuable, connecting, and bonding time, BUT I’d missed ONE important thing SHE truly wanted and needed from me. She was dropping hints left and right but I failed to hear them for what they were. I FINALLY recognized what I was missing when I heard (and I mean heard – like really listened to) the statements she’d been muffling under her breath when she felt frustrated or unnoticed. ‘We still haven’t finished my room.’ ‘It’s been over nine months.’ ‘We do everything but my room.’ ‘Don’t mind me.’ She was begging for me to listen. To hear her. To pay attention. And then to act.
Today I have grown. I’ve taken another step forward in my teen parenting journey. I’ve learned the importance of making time for things on my teen’s to-do list. And you know what, I have one more subtlety honest truth to share. This week my girls are on fall break. I’d blocked my calendar months ago, telling myself I would be present and attentive for them. I want to be an intentional parent when they’re off school, but as this week rolled around, I found myself wanting to invest this ‘precious’ time in my business. In creating a membership or improving my sales page or recording videos for CONNECTeen. Today helped me see there will always be time for that. There will always be time for my to-do’s, but there won’t always be time with my teens. So, I’ve decided tomorrow we’re headed for a girls’ staycation. We’re going to float the lazy river, laugh down the water slides, jump the waves at the wave pool, and drink fancy iced drinks as we lounge in the sun. We’re going to have food delivered to the room, we’re going to watch the late-night movie in the pool, and we’re going to sleep in as long as we possibly can. We’re not going to accomplish much, but we are going to be together.
I can feel our time together slipping away as they age, mature, and become more independent. I will make time for what matters most. They matter most. I will be present so they can feel seen.
If you haven’t spent 1:1 time with your teen lately, make the time. Plan a date. They want and need to be with you.
